Sex Tips: Camping is In-Tents!

So, this isn’t really a question from any of you, rather, it is I, Essin’ Em, imparting a bit of my recently learned knowledge up on you, the rest of the world.

Sex and camping. These are two things that do not necessarily go together. I actually really dislike camping. However, my partner invited me on a camping trip, and since I wanted to spend time with said partner, I went. However, I did have an ulterior motive; my partner promised me hot camping sex if I went on this trip, and we all know that the promise of delectable and adventurous sex is something I can never turn down. So off I went into the land of woods, bears and spiders, in the pursuit of hot camping sex.

 

First of all, may I please recommend you invest in a cheap air mattress. It doesn’t have to be fancy, even inflatable rafts will do. You’ll be very thankful I suggested this. No, really. My bad knees aside, the ground is HARD. Air mattresses are also good for sleeping, as well as a sex-ing, so I give them a thumbs up. 

What else will you need? NON-SCENTED lube. According to our friendly neighborhood park ranger, bears can smell very well, and so you must keep anything scented - food, toothpaste, deodorant, - out of the tent. Being the cautious little Girl Scout that I am, I’d put scented lube in that category as well…ergo, go for the scent-less stuff (and it’s better for your naughty bits as well). Something we discovered about lube is that a surprise drop of freshly cooled lube (you ARE camping - anything liquid cools down really fast when you’re outdoors) on your clit feels absolutely AMAZING. If you don’t like cold stuff on your parts, pour it in your hands and rub it around to warm it up first. 

As far as sleeping bags go, I thought I was pretty ingenious…I bought two cheap single sleeping bags and zipped them together to create a queen sized sleeping bag for the two of us to share. It was ideal both for sex and for cuddling without losing body heat to the cold outdoors. They make special “couples” sleeping bags, too. You can use your own personal bags as well — just think about how cold it’ll be at 11pm when you’re naked in the middle of the wilderness. Something to consider. 

Another thing to think about is whether you’ll be hiking off into the boondocks where any noise you make won’t be noticed, or if you’ll be at a campground (family oriented or otherwise) where you have to guard your sounds more. We were at the latter, but let me tell you, having to be quiet can add a super hot and kinky dynamic to your sex. 

I’m speaking mostly about tent sex because I wasn’t ready to let spiders, ticks, or other creepy crawlies get anywhere near my vagina, and because I like to keep my vulva mosquito bite free. However, if you’re into to outdoor-outdoor sex, make sure you sprits on some bug spray (and perhaps sun block, depending on your timing) before you go at it, to protect yourself and your partner. 

Something to remember — carry out what your carried in. Condoms,latex, sheepskin or otherwise, are not disposable. If you use them, wrap them up, and take them to an approved trash disposal site - you don’t want poor little creatures swallowing them and dying (although apparently some woman had one in her lung for a few weeks, so I guess it’s possible to live through such an event). If you bring vibrators (hey, you never know!) and the batteries run out, don’t forget to dispose of them properly as well. Be as nice (or nicer) to the wilderness as it is to you. 

That’s about it for camping sex. Just take generic precautions, and you could be getting it on in fantastic, fun-filled forests in no time! 

I’m always prepared,

Essin’ Em

Get some ideas on getting down while getting wet while watching Inside Outdoors :

Sex Tips: Time to Take it Off!

I am considering doing a strip show for my partner (private, of course!), but I am not sure how to do it. Plus, I'm a little uncomfortable with my body, and I am not sure if they'll find me attractive if they see me naked in full light. Help!

-Disrobing in Des Moines

Stripping off (as they say on the other side of the pond) can be a ton of fun for both you and your partner.

However, this is not the kind of thing you should do because you think it's just the "thing to do," and if you're uncomfortable with this idea (not nervous, but genuinely uncomfortable), don't do it. It is a nice addition to a sexual experience, but it certainly won't make or break it, and if you're not into it, it's just not going to be fun for anyone involved.

The most important thing to think about (in my opinion) is the music. Music sets the mood, it makes you feel more comfortable, and it helps you decide when you're ready to begin. Plus, I just really love music. You can strip to pretty much anything (and I've proved this by stripping to a German drinking song, so don't argue), which means that you should choose music that YOU like, and that makes you feel sexy. Don't think that you have to throw on rap, or slow and sultry anything. If Beethoven does it for you, so be it. Want to get naked to Yanni? Go for it! Does Frank Sinatra inspire you to take off your clothes? Well, he was one of the sexiest men ever, makes sense to me. If you want to be more sensuous, look for a long song with a slower beat, whereas if you're ready to be a hip gyrating wild child, you will want something faster and more upbeat.

Songs I personally like for my strip shows:

*Pour Some Sugar on Me (Def Leppard)


*Seventeen (Ladytron)


*Cum on Feel the Noize (Quiet Riot)


*Lady in Red (Chris De Burgh)


*Sexual Healing (Marvin Gaye)


*Closer (Nine Inch Nails)


*Enjoy the Silence (Depeche Mode)


*Engel (Rammstein)


*New Age Girl (Dead Eye Dick)


*Centerfold (J Geils Band)


*Sexyback (Justin Timberlake)

Once you have the music, you need to plan out your outfit. I mean yes, you are just going to be taking it off, but I'm assuming you want to look cute to start with, right? Again, it's time to be self-aware and choose things that fit your personality. If you picture yourself in a cute little pink see through baby doll, clearly you're more comfortable in that than a leather corset and studded thong. It does not matter what strippers wear in clubs - you're making your own club, so wear what you want. Maybe you love your breasts, and want to emphasize them? Try a demi bra or a bustier. Love your butt and want to make it the focal point? Choose an adorable pair of underwear that you just love. Think your legs are sexy as hell? Grab some thigh highs (or go whole-hog and get a garter belt…I LOVE ladies wearing garter belts) to show case your gams. Don't forget the accessories: jewelry, boas, maybe a hat. Whatever you think makes you look good, that's what you should wear.

Now that you've got the music and the outfit, it's time to think about your moves. I know I'm repeating myself, but do what you like to do, not what the dancer did at the last club you went to. Move to the rhythm of the music, feeling the beats inside of you. If you have something with buttons, undo them slowly…each button revealing another glimpse of Eden. Zippers can be done tantalizingly as well, one centimeter at a time. If you're more wild, start with an item of clothing you don't care about, and rip it off your body. Keep this clothing removal in mind when picking out your outfits. If it took you hours to get that full-length skintight latex dresses, for example, it's probably not going to make the best outfit for a striptease.

Dancing doesn't have to involve the splits or shimming down a pole. It can be just swaying back and forth - you have hips for a reason - a little shimmy of the breasts here and there…or it can be as much as a mostly choreographed routine, complete with booty shaking and "come hither" finger motions. Just do what you enjoy, and dance how you like to dance…and take off your clothes as you go.

Don't take everything off all at once…or even at all. One of the most popular stripper songs is "You Can Leave Your Hat On" and you can choose to leave any article of clothing on your hot body. Leave on your stockings, or a collar, or gloves (oooh! Satin or lace gloves look hot with almost any outfit!), or yes, even your hat. Once you've removed the majority of clothes, you can keep dancing or at least moving to the beat until your partner can't take it anymore and is ready to jump you. Let them jump…and have a fabulous time!

Taking it off,

Essin' Em

Learn a little more about taking it off from Nina Hartley's Guide to Stripping for your Partner:

You and Me...and who makes 3?

I want to have a threesome. Should it be two guys and a gal, or two gals and a guy, or 3 of a kind? How will we know who does what? Can I get some help here?

-Multiple partnered in Minneapolis

Seems like you're looking to add another dimension to your relationship and you're thinking ahead. Way to go!

How one goes about having a threesome depends on a lot of things, and of course is a very individual choice to make. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do. Ever.

Before you begin, make sure you're really ok with the idea of threesome. While they can definitely be a fun time, they are not for everyone. Some people do not like the idea of their partner being sexual with anyone else, even if they're there at the time. Others think the idea sounds great, until their partner makes a different noise, or tries something new with the third person. This can create jealousy and strife between couples and/or friends. Once you've decided this is the right thing for you, and you're ready to have a ménage a trios, here are some things to consider before you hop into bed:

First, are you single or with a partner? If you're single, it can be easier because you don't need to talk to your partner about how they feel about this whole thing. When you're ready to have a threesome as a single person, you can look at finding two other single people or finding a couple. Make sure that if you decide to get it on with a couple, they are both ok with it, and they have followed the steps I talk about later that are for couples. Currently, it's very "in" for couples to find a third person (usually a woman), and since it's trendy, you should have no problem with finding a couple.

How do you find this multitude of couples looking for a third? Many couples use online sites with personals sections to look for a third, and you can browse their ads, or post one of your own. I personally find it easier to browse ads and choose who I contact because the one time I posted an ad of my own (albeit not about a threesome), my inbox was flooded with all types of people in whom I had not interest (and some who were downright creepy). You can also look at sex/swingers clubs, although those have door fees unlike the Internet. You can also go online (or to the clubs) to find two single people to hook up with at the same time.

If you're already in a relationship, it's very important to make sure that both of you are interested in this. It does not count if either of you is blackmailing the other. Saying "if you really loved me, you'd let us have a threesome" does not count as consent. It's unethical. Don't be a bad partner. You may really, really, really, want to try it , but your partner may feel equally as strong about not adding a third person to the sexual mix. Please remember to respect each other.

Let's say you've talked to your partner, and you're both into this idea (it's ok if you're nervous, as long as you both want to try it out). Firstly, you need to decide what gender you'd like the third to be. If you're two lesbians, you may think it's "obvious" that you'd look for a third woman, but maybe your partner was thinking about this being a good opportunity to give a guy a try, while still being with her queer partner. Again, talk. Communication is key! There is a stereotype that all straight males only want threesomes with two women, but having taken a quick poll around the office and among friends, this is not the case. One told me he'd be less stressed with two guys, because he wouldn't feel pressured to be the perfect loved to two women at once. I personally don't think I could handle two penises at once, but I would totally be into being topped by two guys…or just lying back and having two guys worship me.

That's where the next part comes in. Once you decide who you're looking for, you need to decide what the two of you would like to do. Maybe you want to have intercourse together, and then have one of you perform oral sex on the third, or maybe just have a night full of oral sex! Or maybe the idea of your partner fucking someone else while your masturbate is exactly what turns you on. Is it ok if you kiss the third person? Is it ok if your partner does so? Maybe kissing and fucking is ok, but oral sex is reserved only for the two of you in a long-term relationship. These are all things that you two need to talk about before you even begin searching for a partner.

Once you start looking, you can use the same avenues I suggested above - online personals or sex clubs. You can also try to pick someone up while you're out an about, or you might want to join a polyamory group or attend play parties to find a third.

Another choice that singles or couples can make in their pursuit of a sexual trifecta is to bring in a friend (or a couple they're friendly with). This option certainly has its own pros and cons. By hooking up with someone you already know, you have a good idea of their personality, what they like, and you may have an easier time discussing what is ok and what is not ok with them. However, if something goes wrong with the threesome, you could at the very least have some future awkward moments, and at the worst, you might have ruined a good friendship. What would you do if your partner did something for him/her that they don't do with you? Is it possible that you might start feeling jealous of your friend, and take it out on them, either actively or passively? Would it be awkward if you saw your friend fucking, and then sat next to them at the office meeting the next day? These things need to be thought about before you make this choice.

Once you've found someone(s) to be the Larry to your Moe and Curly, have the same talk with them about what they're into and what they would/wouldn't like to do. As soon as everyone is on the same page, it's time to begin your adventure. It will not be perfect. Sex is rarely (if ever) perfect, even with two people. Add one more to the mix, and it just gets more hectic. People may feel ignored, someone may fall off the bed, or one of you may get squirted in the eye. Things happen. Just keep talking and checking in with each other and make sure everyone is doing ok. If everyone is having fun, that's all that matters.

As a last caveat, don't forget about using safer sex! Women who have sex with women need safer sex just as much as hetero couples…and that includes threesomes. Keep this in mind.

I hope I've given you some good steps to begin your hunt for your threesome. Best of luck!

Please come and join me,

Essin' Em

You're not the only one! Check out My First Threesome Vol. 3:

Sex Tips: Working Out the Kinks

Hi there. Sometimes I like to mix it up in the bedroom, and I would like to know how to try out some “kinkier” things. I’m not into fetish stuff, really, and I don’t see myself as into BDSM, I just want some info on getting tied up and stuff.
-Experimenting in Eugene

Well, sounds like you fit in with a pretty large percent of the sexually active population. Not everyone is ready for latex and leather or wants to head to the local dungeon. Lots and lots of people play with things that could be seen as being into BDSM, and it’s certainly not on the fringe of society as it was 10, or even 5 years ago. Many bedrooms have handcuffs, a blindfold, or other such objects that can be used for kinking up your sexual activities.

An easy activity to integrate into your current sex life is tying your partner up/being tied up. Either of you can play the “submissive” (tie-ee) role or the “dominant” (tie-er) roles, and if you want, you can switch later on. If one of you likes being more submissive and the other more dominant, that’s fine. However, if you like to take turns, that’s totally ok too! 

What do you need in order to tie people up? Not much! While you can purchase a bevy of bondage-oriented products, you can also use stuff from around the house or things bought from your local costume or gag gift store. 

Handcuffs are probably the first thing many think of when they hear “bondage” and they can be found pretty much everywhere, especially around Halloween. Gag stores in the mall carry them as well, sometimes even furry versions. Handcuffs can be great fun and all that jazz, but here a few things to think about. Don’t put them on anyone too tight or for too long - they’re metal and can cause some hardcore bruising and cut off circulation. Make sure if they’re legit handcuffs (as compared to those that you just press the little button thing to open), and that you know where the key is at ALL times. Putting it on the dresser when it can get knocked into oblivion during the throes of passion is probably not the best choice - maybe on a chord around your neck? And have a spare. It’d be pretty embarrassing to call the cops to get you OUT of handcuffs. Also, the cheaper handcuffs don’t hold up that well; it’s easy to accidentally pop out of them, and, I’m not gonna lie, one of my partners once broke a pair when we got a little too into what we were doing. I’d say handcuffs are a good start for a couple that wants to add a little kink, or maybe for someone that wants to do a cop role playing scenario. 

What else can you use? Anything! Ties (as in those that you usually wear with a button down shirt) work well, as do pantyhose (although these knots can get super tight and impossible to undo - think ahead and keep a pair of scissors by the bed). I sometimes use my over the shoulder wraps that are meant to go with evening dresses or even winter scarves. You can always go out and get some rope. If you decide to that, make sure you get the smooth, nylon rope that doesn’t cause as many splintery things or rope burn, unless of course that is what you were aiming for. 

Not into bondage? Or want to bump it up a level? Blindfolds can do wonders. Granted, some people like to know exactly what is going on or to look into their partner’s eyes lovingly and/or lustily, but others (myself included) enjoy a little suspense and a good moment of surprise now and again. You can use anything for a blindfold from sleeping masks to those fabulous 80’s headbands, silk ties to a pretty scarf tied around the eyes. Moreover, you could not use an actual blindfold at all, but play with a little power, and tell your partner (or vice versa) that they have to keep their eyes closed and be good. You can do the same thing with the idea of “gagging.” Granted, you can buy “official” gags at any sex toy store or use a piece of tape (Be careful, some stick to skin. Also, you want to make sure you think of another way they can tell you to stop), but sometimes it can be just as hot (if not more so) to tell them they have to be quiet/aren’t allowed to say anything, and watch them struggle to keep their mouth shut. Mmm! 

Then of course there is a little pain here and there. Spanking is pretty popular, and it can range from a tap on the ass while you’re fucking to a full-fledge spanking session (before, after, instead of or in addition to other sex play) with one of you laid out across the others’ lap. Not everyone likes spanking, but it’s very erotic for other people. Hands are the most common objects used to spank, because they’re easily accessible, you can feel exactly what you’re doing, and it can provide a sense of more intimacy for some people. Others like to use everything from ping pong paddles (wait…you mean people actually use them to play ping pong?) to special crafted paddles bought for the purpose of spanking, and hairbrushes to Greek paddles from college (come on, you know they had kinky sex in those houses!). This, like everything else here, needs to be something that both partners are into, and as always, communication is key. Talk to each other about how hard you want it, where they like it (butt, breasts, thighs, etc), how much is too much, and so on. 

Some toys everyone can use are fingernails and teeth. We often leave these out of sex play because of the fear of sharp pointy objects coming towards our genitals, but they don’t have to be thought of in that way. Light (or heavy for some people) scratching on the back, stomach, butt, arms, chest/breasts, and inner thighs can be incredibly arousing. Make sure you talk to your partner before you leave any marks; some people love them, and others may not like them at all, or may only be ok with marks that don’t show when they’re wearing clothes. Ditto on nibbling or small bites (which can and do leave darker marks than fingernails). Try it all over and with various pressures to see which works best for the two of you. 

You can do these all on their own or mix them up and try a blindfold with scratching, or being tied up with a little spanking. If you’re feeling super adventurous, try them all out and then write me and tell me how it was!. Just remember that it’s important to talk to each other about how you’re feeling, likes and dislikes, and all the important stuff that makes good sex great. 

Tying one on,

Essin’ Em

Check out some hot and sensual spankings in Nina Hartley’s Guide To Spanking :

Email Essin' Em your questions!

Sex Tips: Start Gabbing, Ok?

We have really good sex. Well, at least I think so. How do I know if he’s enjoying himself? And what he likes more, and what he doesn’t? And when we’re already having good sex, how can I tell him that there are new things I want to try? I don’t want him to think I’m not happy!
-Ambitious in Albany

Communication. Say it with me, folks. Communication is key.

No, really. I’m dead serious. I’m sure you’re sick of me pushing this whole communication thing, but it will really make every sexual experience and/or relationship that much better. Communication should be involved in every step of the sex process, from consent (”Hey, wanna fuck? Yes? Great!”) to the post-coital experience (”Wasn’t that great? God, you’re incredibly hot! I loved it when you ____ed me!”) and during every step in between.

If you like something, SAY IT. You don’t have to be super PC about things - use language that works for you and your partner. Tell them what you liked and how it made you feel, what you weren’t so big a fan of (but gently - no one likes to be told they aren’t good at something), and maybe some things you would like to try in the future. Here are some suggestions. Treat them like Mad Libs and fill in the blank, or go ahead and make up your own.

The Good Stuff:

*Wow, it felt awesome when you did _______ to me!
*I love the way your lips/hands/________ felt on my _______.
*When you ______ me, I felt really hot/loved/safe/sexy/_____.
*I was surprised that I liked it when you _______, but I really did. Let’s do that again!

The “Not-So-Good” Stuff:

*While I really liked it when you _______ me, I’d love if you did it harder/softer/faster/slower/________ next time!
*I wasn’t really a fan of _______, but it turned me on so much when you _______ me instead.
*I loved it when we ________, but I wish it could have gone on longer - it ended too soon.

Future Frolicking:

*You know, when we _______, it made me think how much I want you to _________ me!
*Looking at you _________ was so hot - next time I’d love to join in!
*My friend told me about this awesome trick s/he learned, and I think it would fun to try out. What do you think?
*It felt so great when we did ___________. Maybe next time we can do it in a different position?
You can also ask each other questions in order to see what your partner got out of the experience. This doesn’t need to be the Spanish Inquisition (remember, no one suspects the Spanish Inquisition!) or a game of 20 questions. Think about un-judgmental questions to ask. Try things like, “what was your favorite thing that we did?” and, “how did _______ make you feel?” Ask them what they’d like to try again, and whether they have any suggestions for future romps in the hay. Again, don’t just use my language - create your own. If you have nicknames for each other, use them. Use the names of the body parts that you both like to use. If you use “down there” for your vagina, you don’t have to rehash your experience by calling it your pussy (and vice versa). Each couple will come up with their own set of terms that just work for them.

If you’re a little shyer, you can always write down your thoughts and feelings. A note might begin with something like “hey sunshine/pooky/boo-boo face/dear, I wanted to tell you I had a wonderful time tonight/I love being sexual with you/you rock my socks off because __________________” In your note, talk about likes, dislikes, and things to try. Even if you decide to talk to them rather than hand them the note, you have your thoughts already down on paper. 

And you know, communication can (and should!) happen during sex too. I love it when my partner is fucking me and asks me how I want it (faster, slower, hard, etc), or when they have their fingers inside me, and they tell me to tell them when I want one more. I feel like I’m in control of my own pleasure, even though they’re the one pleasuring me. Don’t be afraid to speak up! If you’re mid-fuck, and you’d like to switch positions to get more stimulation, speak up. Most partners would be more than happy to oblige (and if they don’t want any feedback from you, they might not be the ideal partner). If you need to be on your back in order to climax, let them know, don’t make them try and figure out, since you might end up pretty disappointed.Furthermore, if you have hard limits, these are things to mention to your partner BEFORE you hop into bed (or the back of a car, or ______). I have an issue with pressure on my head during oral sex, so I make sure to tell my partners this pre-clothes removal, so I don’t go psycho-bat on them in the middle of oral sex. I had a partner that didn’t like to be kissed on the ears, but of course I didn’t find this out until I was leaning in for a little nibble on the lobe. It would have been a little less awkward had we talked about it beforehand.

I’m not saying you need to plan out every single step of every sexual experience. I, too, am a fan of spontaneity, and I would never suggest you miss out on that. However, talking with the person you’re sexing up is pretty important. And don’t tell me you can’t talk (at least on paper) to them - if you’re bumping naughty bits, then you should be able to tell them was does/doesn’t feel good!

Opening my big mouth,

Essin’ Em

Hear what happens when people talk with one another while having hot sex in Girl Talk:

Email Essin' Em your questions!

Sex Tips: Strap it to me!

My partner really wants me to use a strap on, but I’m not sure how I feel about it, and even if I decided to do it, I have no idea how to go about it. What advice can you give me?
-Apprehensive in the Appalachians

 
Oh, strap-ons. That’s a great subject. I can’t believe I haven’t covered them yet, because they’re another toy that all types of women can use, regardless of their orientation.

What is a strap-on? Most strap-ons consist of two parts - the strap, and the on. Ok, not really, but there are two parts usually; the harness and the dildo. The dildo part is the more well known bit - they’re phallic shaped toys, though they don’t always look like penises. They are usually made of jelly, rubber or silicone, and can come in a variety of shapes, sizes and colors (from flesh tones to hot pink and electric blue). People of all sexes and genders use dildos by themselves as penetrative sex toys (in both the vagina and the anus, and by people of all sexes and genders ). However, some people like to take their dildo experience to another level, and that’s where the harness comes into play. 

Harnesses look slightly like a rock climbing device, although they’re usually a little less bulky, and quite a bit more comfortable. The basic idea is that the wearer of the harness steps in or straps themselves in, and places a dildo through the O ring at the junction of the wearer’s legs. The dildo sits somewhere on the pubic bone (higher or lower depending on the harness) and once secured, is relatively stable. 

Some harness have more of a “thong” look - the straps go on the user’s hips, with an additional strap that goes down the butt cheeks, through to connect in the front. Another popular harness style is the “two strap,” which looks a bit more like a jock strap. It has, aptly enough, two straps that encircle the users legs, and connect in the middle. There are also “panty harnesses,” which simulate underwear, but with a hole and ring for the dildo in the front. Then of course, there are the “other” types, including harnesses to strap dildos onto your thigh, your chest, your chin, and more. And of course, there are a few snazzy dildos, like the Feeldoe, that don’t require harnessed. They’re almost U shaped dildos. The smaller end goes inside the penetrator, and the larger end can then be used to penetrate your partner, with your vaginal muscles supposedly keeping it in place. Never tried one of these, but it seems like a cool idea! They come in all types of materials, from leather to fabric, nylon to plastic/latex. It all depends on what you’re looking for. When I was rocking out at the Dinah Shore Weekend, I was lucky enough to try on a Spare Parts Harness and let me tell you, it was freaking awesome, and super comfy to boot! 

Once you have a harness, it’s time to find a dildo. Not just any dildo, for it has to have a wider base, so that once in the O ring, it will stay there, rather than jumping ship into one of your partner’s orifices. Many dildos have these types of bases, and you can find some great options at at Eden Fantasys Dildo Page. There are tons of shapes and sizes, so talk to your partner(s) about what they want. It’s also important to think about whether it’s going in the vagina or the anus, as many people will prefer smaller toys for the anus (and yes, boys like it up the butt too!). My two personal faves, that I’ve gotten to test out, have been the the Goddess and the The Raquel, but again, it’s completely personal preference. 

Once you have the equipment, and are all strapped in and ready to go, it’s game time. Lube, as always, makes an excellent accessory to any sex play. In fact, I’d like to coin the catch phrase that “Lube is the new black.” Use it, love it (both the phrase and the lube itself). Just like any type of sexual activity, communication is key. Talk to your partner about what they need you to do to feel comfortable, and tell them what you need from them. Some people might want lots of kissing, foreplay, etc, whereas other just want to go for the gold. Lots of strap-on using couples like for the non-wearer to fellate the strap-on, while others find it unattractive. Again, it’s different for everyone, and this is why you have to talk with each other about what works, and what doesn’t. 

Now that you’re ready for action, pretty much anything you both want to try is up for grabs. Strap-ons can be used in any position a penis can (and more - feel free to try anything, because if a dildo is bent the wrong way, it won’t ’snap’ the way a penis can if it is pulled too far the wrong way), and can be used on partner of either sex, and in the anus or vagina. However, if you’re going to be moving hole to hole, or using the dildo on more then one person at anytime, you should pop a condom on that sucker. Ditto if it’s a non-silicone dildo, because you want to keep it bacteria free (and silicone can be boiled). 

Some dildos vibrate, so that is something to try as well. Also, there are double-ended dildos to give both the fucker and the fuck-ee pleasure. Some harnesses have room for an anal dildo for the wearer, as well as the traditional front dildo. Experiment if you’d like - the sky (and maybe your budget) is the limit! 

Guys can definitely be involved on either end of strap-on sex. Some guys (straight, bi, gay, etc) loved being penetrated in the anus - the prostate is there, so stimulation rules, as well as for the emotional and mental benefits. They might feel that it’s nice to be not in control as much, or that it’s nice to give their partner the opportunity to penetrate as well. I’m sure there are a ton more reasons! Two female bodied partners can use strap-ons for vaginal or anal sex, in addition to or instead of manual penetration (or using a dildo by hand). And male partners can wear a strap-on too; in order to perform double penetration, because they may have trouble getting/remaining erect, in more femdom fetish way (”you can fuck me, but not with your dick”), or for any other number of other reasons. 

So those are some of the very basics of strap-on sex. Try lots of things, have fun, figure out what’s right for the relationship (or one nighter) that you’re in. Clean your toys when you’re done. COMMUNICATE. And hopefully, this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship…with strap-on sex 

Giving it to ya,

Essin’ Em

To see how a real man takes a strap on, check out Devinn Lane’s Guide to Strap On Sex:

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Sex Tips: Pick My Orientation

I’m a woman who has always thought of myself as straight. However, I made a new friend that I think I like in a more friendly way. I want to pursue it more, and I think I’m sexually attracted to her. Does this mean I’m a lesbian, or am I bisexual?
-Confused in Kentucky

Labels can be very funny things. We apply them to all kinds of situations, to identify people and their choices. However, sometimes they can be limiting as well. In our society, it’s hard to belong to more than one category in general and even more difficult to belong to more than one group in a category. In class the other day, we were discussing a woman who identified as a lesbian. One night, she had sex with a man (and as a result, got pregnant). However, she still identifies as a lesbian (not a bisexual). Labels are what we make of them.

Some of us try to go without labels - I have quite a few friends that I identify as “genderqueer” as their gender identity, as they try and shed the labels society places on both their gender. Sometimes, this makes life a lot harder for them (hell, even my train pass is gendered - when you buy it, they put either an F or an M on it), but it is who they identify as, and they do so for a variety of reasons, including in an attempt to do away with some of our labels. While this is a gender identity, it goes to show that one can step away from the binaries our society places on so many things.

That whole spiel was to lead up to the idea of labels of orientation. You yourself told me you are a woman. That’s your gender identity. You like men (or so it seems, from you telling me you’re straight). And now, you’re interested in a woman. What does that make you? It could be a variety of things. If you decide you only like women now, then yes, you could identify as a lesbian. If you decided you like both men and women, you could identify as bisexual. Maybe you’re open to all genders, and you want to identify as pansexual. You might continue to identify as straight. Or maybe you’re just open-minded.

You chose. In my opinion, what you identify as is less important here than the next step you plan on taking. It sounds like you’re clearly interested in this woman, in both a relationship and a sexual sense. What do you plan on doing? Are you going to keep these feelings to yourself, or do you plan on approaching her to see if maybe she shares some interest? In these circumstances, you need to make these decisions for yourself, and not based on what others say or on whatever label you decide to give to yourself. We like who we like, and we can’t change that. Whether or not you decide to pursue her, the attraction to her is there, and that’s something that is very personal, and no one else can tell you how to label yourself, or how you should identify.

So I’m sorry I can’t answer your question - I don’t know if you’re straight, bisexual, lesbian, pansexual, or anything else (although I’m fairly certain you’re probably not asexual). That’s your identity, and I can’t tell you what it is. However, I can wish you the best of luck on your journey of self-discovery.

I have so many labels on me that it’s not even funny,

Essin’ Em

Watch these two women loving one another in First Female Lover:

Email Essin' Em your questions!

Getting down and dirty!

I thought I'd change it up a little, and write a bit on something that people don't really seem to talk about - "dirty talk."

-Essin' Em

"Come to me, you large and strong man, let me place my blossoming lips around your manly sword sheathed in velvet." Ugh. Gag me (and I'm not talking about with a spoon). I've read more than my fair share of romance novels, and I'm here to tell you that I do not have flowering petals of womanhood, anywhere. I should know - I've checked. And as my best friend once said, "I don't really want my nipples to be turgid."

For some reason, our society has decided that women should talk about sex in synonyms and flowery terms and men should use what some would call crude language when talking in a sexual sense. See, the funny thing is, I know straight guys that hate the word "pussy" and straight women that love to say "cock!" Moreover, I feel that lately there has been a reclamation of sexual words. Growing up, I HATED the word "pussy" and no one I knew would ever use it - we all thought it was degrading. But now, everyone and their mother seems to be using the term "pussy" - many feminists included. I had never even heard of the word "cunt" until I was in the "Vagina Monologues," and I reclaimed that word before it ever was un-claimed in my vocabulary. I LOVE that word. To me, it has a wonderful history (before it was pejorative), and it feels like it has a lot of power behind it. However, many people (including some of my male partners) have DESPISED that word and have been upset when I have used it.

So, once we hop into bed (or wherever we're having sex), how are we supposed to talk? Many porn films have women screaming about being fucked - is that the right thing to say? For many women, it's like being between a rock and a hard place; we're "supposed" to be sweet and innocent, using romance novel language, but at the same time, we're "supposed" to be tigers in the sack, telling our partners how horny we are and how much we want their cock/fingers/dildo in our dripping wet pussy. How are we supposed to do both?

Time for my favorite word: COMMUNCATION. Talk to your partner(s). Ask them how they like to talk and what they like to hear. Discuss what each of you like to call your own genitals and other people's genitals. Personally, I'd rather hear "cunt" or "pussy" than "cooter" or "vag" any day. But I know there are lots of people who don't like that. Talk to each other - figure out what will make sex good for both of you.

As far as "talking dirty," I've found it to be a very experimental thing as to what works best. I've had some partners that start going on about soft petals and manhoods or about sticking various things and various orifices, and I have a sudden urge to giggle, or I bored and begin to wonder if the time on my parking meter is up. Other partners have whispered sweet nothings, and I've melted, heroine-style, right into their arms. Still others have inspired me to implore them to give it to me now, to fuck me harder, to make me come. It all depends on the person (or people), the situation, and even the mood of everyone involved. Either way, it sounds like it should involve a lot of communication, in my own humble opinion.

But don't just take my word for it. Straight guys are "supposed" to LOVE dirty talk, right? I figured I'd ask my friend (and token "straight guy") the, RodFather, what he thought about the concept of "talking dirty." He's got an interesting point of view.

Essin' Em

"Fuck my cunt! Jam It In Me! Harder! Faster!" Working in porn, I hear this kind of thing all day long, over and over. And I know, I'm a guy, I'm "supposed" to like dirty talk - all guys like dirty talk, right? And to some extent, I guess that's true. When I'm sitting there at the computer looking to get off, sure, some bleached blonde moaning and screaming definitely helps.

Then there's the other side of it…dirty talk in the bedroom. In porn, it's expected, commonplace even. But the second my girlfriend starts screaming about how she wants my hot cock jammed deeper in her pussy, I'm getting the hell out and never looking back. You have to understand, it's not because I'm a prude or offended by the language, it's just that to me that shit is just not attractive coming from someone I respect and care about.

I don't know, though.Maybe there's something to be said for dirty talk after all. I can totally see how, to some guys, hearing a girl moan and scream about how fucking sexy his rock hard cock is could really add to the experience for him. A sort of confidence boost. But to me, I'd much rather hear the natural moans and sighs, and I think that's a much better indicator that she's enjoying herself. And in the end, that's really what it's all about not how many different words you can come up with for vagina.

The RodFather

As you can see, there are many different opinions on the idea of "talking dirty" with your sexual partner. Some people are all about and do it at every chance, some people try it out once and a while to spice things up, and for others (like above), it's just not their cup of tea. It's important to stress that "dirty talk" should be respectful to all parties. This is not telling you to alter yourself or your language, but just to know yourself and your partner. I can ask someone to lick my cunt, and still be respected by my partner (and be respecting them). I cannot stress (as always), how important good communication is. It may take a little trial and error to find out what works for you, but hopefully it will be a rewarding journey. Wishing you pussy/vulva/vagina/cunt/ coochie/down there power,

Essin' Em

Talking dirty can be fun past time. Check it out in Talk Dirty To Me 2:

Sex Tips: PC Workout!

Hey Em! I've heard a lot about these "kegel" exercises, and I was wondering what all the hype was about. You can't really exercise your vagina, can you?

-Pondering in the Poconos

Excellent question! When I think of working out, I'll admit, my vagina is not the first thing that comes to mind. So can one really strengthen their lady bits?

Why yes, yes you can! There are these fabulous muscles in your vagina, commonly known as your "PC Muscles" (in which PC stands for pubococcygeus…clearly, "PC" is way easier to say). They're also sometimes called your "pelvic floor muscles" by people in the know. Both females AND males have these muscles, and in fact, both females and males can do kegels - just in slightly different ways and with slightly different results.

How might you find these muscles in order to being your exercise routine? Easy! Next time you're peeing, stop the flow. Yup. You just found your PC muscles. Actually, you just did a kegel. Now, try doing that same motion when not on the toilet. Hold it for three seconds, let it go. Try that for 10-100 times. As you get better, and strengthen the muscles, try holding it for 10 seconds, and letting it go, and holding it for another 10. You can pulse, contracting and releasing quickly and repeatedly. Hold it for as long as you can, then release.

There are all sorts of fun and exciting ways you can work out these muscles, even when by yourself. I do my kegels at my desk (hopefully my co-workers aren't reading this!), on the train to work, when driving, standing in line at the store, in the shower, you name it. This is one type of exercise you don't have to make time for, don't have to buy special outfits for (you don't actually have to wear anything while doing them), and it doesn't involve sweating. Easy as that. I don't count anymore, but studies show that the more you do, the better, so get in the habit.

Benefits? Even better than just bragging rights for having superior and built PC muscles. For those of y'all who participate in PVI (penile-vaginal intercourse), you can do them while your partner is inside you, and it can be a pleasant feeling for both of you. For everyone; studies have show that women with strong PC muscles are more orgasmic, both in how easily they have orgasms, and the number they have. Yup, that's right, if you're trying to become multi-orgasmic (or want to work on female ejaculation), it's going to be a very long uphill battle unless you have some well-toned PC muscles. As far as pleasures and sensations, I know that doing my kegels makes me pretty damn horny (again, I'm hoping the co-workers don't read this) - in fact, I can get almost to the edge of climax, JUST from contracting my pelvic floor muscles!

You can do the exercises with or without something in you (a dildo, a vibrator, a penis, your partner's fingers, etc), and so you can definitely do them with a partner. Or talk to all your lady friends about them, and make it something fun to do together. In college, my close female friends and I (and one or two of the male persuasion) had a kind of inside joke. We'd come up to each other at the cafeteria, or after class, or in passing at parties, and wink at each other and say "I'm doing it right now!" (*It* obviously being kegels) It was just a little fun inside joke between us, and something to drive our friends who were not in the loop a bit crazy, but by the end of my senior year, my PC muscles were in tip top condition (and I'm doing it right now!).

Kegels; not just for pregnant women anymore. Anyone can do them, wherever and whenever they want. People have been doing them for ages - many just don't know what the "official" name is, but can work their PC muscles like it's nobody's business. Kegels are good for everyone, so take a deep breath, and have at it!

I'm doing it right now,

Essin' Em

It's time to sexercise with The Amazing G-Spot and Female Ejaculation:

Sex Tips; Popular Sex Tips Redux

Hey Essin’ Em! All these magazines try to sell themselves with “sizzling” sex tips, but they all seem to be the same, and many of them I do anyways in my sex life already. How do I know which ones are any good, and which are just from some bored writer looking to make an even 100?
-Under Whelmed in Utah

Head to the grocery, and you can pick any “women’s” magazine of your choice, and find a bevy of sex tips. They have exciting titles like “101 Ways to Please Your Man” or “99 Ways to Spice Things Up with Your Lover” (don’t ask me where those extra two tips happened to go). But you pose a good question - how does one know which are worth trying, and which are just the editors making up crazy ideas to fill space? Worse yet, what happens when you’ve already done tips 1-97 (except number 43!) before they even started publishing sex tips in magazines?

 

Well, in the latter case, you’re quite creative, and I tip my polka-dot headband to you and your sexual creativity. For the other issues, I’m making this column about some of the more popular that I think are actually worthwhile (although I think many of them are honestly just common sense). Some may seem blasé, others not as much as a sex tips as just fun ideas, but I hope you enjoy! 

“It’s ok to be aggressive. Many people find that sexy.” 

Of course it is! While sometimes it’s nice to having ‘lovely-dovey, caring, romantic sex,’ sometimes you also want to have ‘push me up against the wall, wrap your hand in my hair and pull, hurried, hot, passionate sex.’ Nothing wrong with varying the speed, intensity and passion levels. If you’re hot and horny and feel like jumping your partner when they walk in the door, go for it (just make sure they’re not carrying groceries or breakables). 

“Use those silky evening gloves/that fur stole/some ice cubes to vary the sensations that you’re giving to your partner.” 

Sounds good to me. Touch is one of the senses most often associated with sexual touch, and the certainly go hand in hand. All sorts of stuff you have around the house can be used to mix up the feelings of touch. Leather gloves, silk sheets, ice cubes, warming lubricant (don’t put on/near the genitals unless you test it first!), feather dusters, you name it. There are all sorts of exciting things just lying around that can be turned into incredibly arousing sexual play toys. 

“Don’t be afraid to play with yourself in front of your partner.” 

Goddess knows I’ve been advocating this one forever. Sex is good. Masturbation is also good sex. You can do it at the beginning of an encounter to show your partner how turned on you are, and what direction you’d like the night to go, flicking your nipples, running your hands all over your body, slowly creeping them towards your more intimate areas. Or the two (or more) of you can masturbate together, showing each other what turns you on the most. It can be amazingly hot to watch your partner touch themselves in the perfect way, and watching their climax is outstanding. 

“Leave an article or two of clothing on. There is something sexy about being so turned on, you didn’t have time to get completely naked.” 

Well, I suppose there is that take on it; so horny that you can’t even stop to take off your clothes, or you’re just going for a quickie, and so it makes sense not to get 100% naked. It could also be sexy if you’re being a little exhibitionist, and are scared of being caught, so you are sexing it up under a skirt, or through a pair of pants. And last but not least, sometimes it’s not what you see, but what you don’t see what is arousing. Wondering what exactly she’s wearing under that skirt, or what he looks like under his button down shirt can provoke some hot images. A final note on this; I love a good garter belt and stockings, and think they should be left on in 90% of sexual situations. But that’s totally my own opinion. 

“Reach down with a finger or two and taste yourself. Your partner will be really turned on by seeing you do that.” 

Now, this is a matter of personal preference, and certainly isn’t for everyone. However, if you’re nervous about your partner going down on you, this is a good way to see what you really taste like, and hopefully relieve your concerns. Plus, it shows your partner that you’re comfortable with yourself. It also might feel a little naughty, since it’s not considered something that “good girls” do. I can’t describe why it usually works so well, but let’s just say I’ve never had a bad result with this little “tip”…and I think it’s incredibly sexy when my partners do it as well. Another way to change this idea is after your partner has gone down on you, or fingered you, suck your juices off of their fingers or lips - again, not ever everyone, but some people (yours truly included) can find this especially hot. 

Basically, most tips these magazines give have some sort truth behind them, however deep you may have to dig in order to get there. My biggest beef with them is that not only are they pretty much exclusively heterosexual (because we all know that lesbians NEVER read mainstream women’s magazines…right?), but they tend to come at things from a “how to please your man” aspect, rather then “how to communicate with your partner to have the best sex life you can have” direction, which is what I like to read about. Remember, the best sex toy is your brain, and anyone can create their own “123 sizzling hot sex tips” - they just need to think about what turns them (and their partner) on, and voila, those are the best tips that work for them. 

Beware the sticky pages,

Essin’ Em

Get some sex tips from the sex tip goddess herself Nina Hartley’s Gide to Alternative Sex:

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Sex Tips: Masturbation, Party of 2!

I wrote a while back on all the different and exciting kinds of masturbation for women, and have been so excited to read online about how many women are re-claiming, and acknowledging masturbation, and how many more have just begun to discover it, and themselves, in the process.

 

But then my elation was short lived…I started seeing questions on online sites about “at what point in a relationship should both parties stop masturbating?” and “I caught my partner masturbating - does that mean s/he doesn’t love me anymore?” This seems to be a sad trend that has just begun to really take off.

First of all, you should never have to stop masturbating just because you’ve gotten into a relationship. Lots of people have healthy relationships in which one (or both) of the partners masturbates on a regular basis. Goodness knows with my libido, some weeks I’d go crazy if I couldn’t get myself off (other weeks, sex is more blasé), and I’m not going to call my partner at work 10 times a day because I just need to get off a few more times, and would feel guilty if I did it without them. Masturbation is normal, healthy, and helps you learn what you like, so that you can help your partner(s) learn what turns you on. 

Another great way to bring masturbation into your relationship is to watch each other masturbate. I LOVE watching people I’m attracted to get themselves off. Not only is it incredibly hot and super sexy, but then I can see exactly what they like, and store it away for future reference. If your partner is ok with it, see if you can participate as well. I really like to put my hand either over or under their hand, so I can feel how much pressure they like, what motions they go for, what kind of touch they like. No one knows better how to touch someone than that actual person. Plus, this way, you can watch their face, and see their body as they get more and more aroused, and if they decide to climax, it’s beautiful. Sometimes one partner might be a little shy, so certainly don’t force it, but once you try it, you both may discover so many new and exciting things about each other! 

Mutual masturbation is also a super fun and pretty low-risk activity. You and your partner can either lie down together, and each work on getting your own pleasure, or do a snazzy arm crossover, and stimulate each other. This can be used as foreplay, a learning experience, or a sexual activity in itself. It’s super fun, feels awesome, and again, you will both learn so much about each other. 

I think masturbation is amazing (clearly) and can’t see why anyone would want someone else to stop doing something that made them feel so good. It certainly doesn’t mean they are any less attracted to you. There are many many many reasons for someone in a relationship to masturbate. Maybe they are just really horny, and don’t want to bother you every single time they’d like to climax. Maybe they like that masturbation is an activity in which there is no pressure to perform well, to be a certain way when they come, to do everything perfectly. Maybe they like a variety of sensations, and really enjoy the particular feeling they get when they masturbate. Sometimes, one partner has a much higher libido than the other, and is fine with taking care of themselves rather than cause issues in the relationship. I’m sure there are tons more reasons! 

The only time I would worry about masturbation in a relationship is if one or both of the partners feel that masturbation is hindering other sexual activities that both partners used to enjoy. If you or your partner decide to use masturbation to avoid sexual activity between the two of you, then maybe there is an issue, and this is where more communication comes it. Why is there that avoidance? Did something happen to make sexual activity together awkward? Are there other big stressors in the relationship that might make one of you want to avoid sexual time together? These are definitely things that warrant discussion. 

But if both are you are happy with the amount sexual activity you’re having together, then I fail to see why masturbation is an issue. If I came home to find my partner going at it, I’d ask if it was ok if I jumped in and either helped out, or got myself off! I hope all of you are enjoying all of your masturbatory experiences, and don’t feel bad about you or your partner masturbating - it’s just part of a healthy sex drive! 

2-4-6-8, let’s all go and masturbate!

Essin’ Em

Enjoy a little solo action with I Touch Myself:

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Pleasure Vs. Goal Oriented

My partner thinks it’s really important for me to orgasm when we’re together, but sometimes I just like playing around, and don’t really feel like coming. It doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to or in love with them, and I’m still aroused and having fun, I just don’t want to come. Is something wrong with me?
-Pissed off in Pittsburgh

 

What a wonderful subject to bring up…I’m so glad you wrote in, because this is something I’ve been wanting to write about for a while. This “dilemma” (if you even want to call it that) revolves around to two types of sexual interactions we tend to have in our society; goal oriented versus pleasure oriented.

The way we are brought up in our society, everything is goal oriented; get straight As, make a lot of money, find a partner to bring home to the parents. The other part of these situations seems to get discarded. People don’t usually say “learn as much as you can, it’s ok if you have a 3.0 GPA,” “find a job that you love, even if you can barely make rent,” or “just date lots of people to help find yourself, learn more, and have interesting experiences.” 

Because of this cultural norm, we tend to view sex in the same goal oriented way; the orgasm is all powerful. Particularly in regards to the male; in our society, sex is traditionally not over until the male has climax. I mean, can you see a woman orgasming in the middle of vaginal sex, hopping off her partner, rolling over and going to bed, while he was still erect? People would think it was ludicrous! Why? Because the orgasm has been made to be the goal of sex, and anything less than achieving that is considered failure. 

In the past few years (decades even), people have argued that it’s just as important for a woman to climax during sex as it is for a man. While this is a good step towards equality (all parties in all relationships should be enjoying themselves!), I feel that this has also had a negative effect. With some partners (of all genders) try to be “good” partners, the female orgasm has become almost a quest towards the holy-grail, something that “must” be completed before sex is over. I had a partner in college that saw giving me orgasms as a power trip, and even though that sounds delightful, it wasn’t. It was as though he cared more about my orgasms than about me, and whether I was enjoying myself. Sometimes, I told him I’d love to play with him, and get him off, but I didn’t really feel like having a orgasm, and he took it personally, as though I was attacking his masculinity, or rejecting him. 

While I definitely appreciate the “everyone, women included, should get to orgasm during sex” ideal, the reality for all genders is that sometimes, the orgasm isn’t want we want. We want to make out, to be sexually active, to have company, to be loved, to enjoy someone else’s body, and that’s it. We don’t ALWAYS want to get off, and some people don’t seem to understand that. Rather than looking at sex solely as a means to an orgasm, we should look at all sexual interaction as pleasurable, fun and exciting, and enjoy everything we do. 

On another front, there is the sexual stair step model (or the “bases” as you may have called it back in high school). What is my problem with “running the bases?” Firstly, it’s a predominantly heterosexual model, and secondly, it’s very restricting. It starts with kissing. Then gropage. Then fingering/hand jobs. Then oral sex. Then vaginal sex. However, it seems as though once you go up a step (or run a base), you can’t go back. For example, if you enjoy making out, but then you move upwards to oral sex, it’s “weird” to want to only make out, and stop their. Similarly, once a couple has had vaginal sex, it’s as though they can’t have oral sex and that be it during future liaisons. How many times have I heard someone say “well, it was ‘just’ oral” or “all I got was a hand job?” Far too many. All kinds of sexual interactions are great in their own way, and people should do what they enjoy, and not what society tells them is the proper thing to do in the right order. 

Now, maybe this is partially because I love oral sex, but honestly, why does having had vaginal sex mean that you can’t “just” have oral sex (whether or not to orgasm)? How come couples that have been together for months or years feel that they can’t just have an intense 3 hour make out session? And a little rant on the definition of sex; why is sex always defined as vaginal intercourse? Because I think that having your head in someone else’s crotch can be just as, if not more intimate than intercourse. And ask any woman that has had a good and proper finger fucking - she’ll tell you that is definitely sex as well. 

So in short, no, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you at all. You and your partner just have different ways of looking at sex; you’re more pleasure oriented, and your partner is a little more goal oriented. Tell them what you told me, that it isn’t a reflection on them or how you feel towards them, and then talk about what does make you feel good, and what both of you enjoy. Hopefully, both of you can think of some things that you both love, and will be able to heat it up in the bedroom (or kitchen, or bathroom, etc). 

Remember, life is a journey, not a destination. Sex should be the same way,

Essin’ Em

Check out a wonderful way to erotically enjoy your partner by learning the art of Sexual Massage:

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Sex Tips: Sex Out and About - Public Sex

Hey Essin’ Em! My partner and I are turned on by the idea of having sex in public, but aren’t sure how to enjoy ourselves without being arrested! Any ideas?
-Exposed in Exton

Exhibitionists eh? Sounds like you’re my kind of people! I’m so glad that not only have you two discovered something that you’re both really excited about, but are thinking ahead enough to realize that even great sex is not worth jail time on your permanent record.

 

However, don’t be discouraged! There are lots of ways you can get off in public ways without buying yourself a free ride in the back of a police cruiser. I’ll enumerate a few here, hopefully to get the mental juices (as well as the ones down below) flowing, and then you’re off to get off. 

Something that is super simple and easy is sex in front of an open window. What floor of the building you’re on changes the risk of being caught/seen; as the floors get higher, the risk gets lower (clearly, fucking against the glass on the 20th floor of a high rise is less likely to be noticed than oh say, an ass or two pressed against the floor to ceiling French doors on the first floor of a 3 bedroom in the suburbs). You could live your blind open during sex, or go so far as to back light yourself to create a sexy silhouette show for the neighbors. Whatever you decide, it’s relatively low risk, as long as you’re inside your own place. 

Another fun place to try is the park, although I’d personally recommend more of a wilderness type park (state, national, etc) than a local park with a playground - they’re less crowded, and you won’t scare young children. I’d suggest bringing two blankets; one to lie on (no one wants to get an allergic reaction, or ticks/stinging nettles, etc, on their vulva), and one to cover up with (again, the point is sex in public, not getting arrested). If no one is around, then rock out without the blanket, but if you’re in a more populated place, it’s a good way to get it on without everyone knowing (although some people will, regardless). 

If you have a balcony or veranda (or are staying at a hotel with one), that’s another great place to try some public lovin’. For the lower-risk takers, you can hang a towel over the railing, so people can only guess and assume should they happen to look up, or you can just go for it. Again, the higher up you are, the less likely it is that people should just happen upon your sex scene. 

I’m a huge fan of any type of sex outdoors (park, balcony, parking lot, etc)…the sun shining down out you as you reach your climax is just heavenly, and thought I have yet to try it, I hear sex in the rain is fantastic (albeit a bit chilly). Just make sure if you’re going to be outside and naked, you think about the elements; sunscreen, bug spray, and so on. 

Sex on the beach is also a popular outdoor activity, but I myself am a little wary of this one. Why? I like my vagina sand free, to be perfectly honest. On the other hand, the sounds of the waves crashing could be divine as your orgasm washes over you. I hear that while one blanket is better than none, two blankets are WAY better than one for keeping the sand away from your delicate bits. Just keep an eye out for crabs, and not just the sexually transmitted ones! 

I’d love to have library sex, in the stacks of books. This one is a little less feasible, especially in a general public library. They tend to be super busy, and have lots o’ little kids wandering around. My solution? Find your local college library. Best time to go would be around 9am on a Saturday morning; it will be almost completely empty, guaranteed. Wander around until you find the most hidden section of books, the ones that look dusty and like no one has touched them in years. This, my loyal readers, is your place. A little too risky for you? Try a study room - most schools have them for group projects, but if they’re empty (and on a Saturday morning, they will be), they provide the exhibitionism (most have a window in, or don’t lock, or both), without the danger of having a poor, innocent freshman or elderly librarian discovering you. If you go with the stacks idea, I would think a skirt/dress/other form of clothing that provides easy access would be a good idea. 

My ultimate exhibitionist fantasy? Sex in an ice rink (this probably stems from the years of figure skating and hockey I did growing up). Not ON the ice per se (someone very wisely pointed out that sex equals sweaty, and that sweaty people would get stuck to the ice, which doesn’t sound very appealing to me), but either up against the boards or in the penalty box (especially if I’ve been a bad girl). However, unless I seduced the zamboni driver, I’m not exactly sure how to pull that one off. If you know a cute zamboni driver, please please please let me know! 

So basically, sex in public can be whatever you want it to be, and can be super safe or way risky. Talk with your partner about what you’re hoping to get out of it, and then enjoy baring your butts for the world. And stay out of jail, or at least don’t tell the police that I suggested public sex! 

See you out and about,

Essin’ Em

In preparation for hot public sex, why not induldge in A Little Bit of…Hanky Panky:

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Sex Tips; Pucker Up!

This week’s column is on something very near and dear to my heart, but that I don’t think gets enough lip service in today’s culture; Kissing.
-Essin’ Em

Some people say kissing is over rated, others see lip love as solely a means to an end, a foreplay that “has” to be done, in order to get onto more important things, like S-E-X. But seriously? Kissing needs to revered in its’ own right. Kissing is one of the most arousing, intimate and sexual things you can do. I can make out for hours on end, and while often, yes, it can lead to something more, it’s also quite enjoyable to just have a hot and heavy make out session with someone whose company you happen to enjoy.

 

As far as mutual kissing, everyone kisses, and likes to be kissed, differently. Some like it softer, others are into rougher and harder kisses. Saliva is a big deal for some, and in other cases, it’s a huge turn off. In my experience, I’ve found that people kiss the way that they’d like to be kissed; if someone lips a little biting, or a nip on their lip, that’s how they’ll kiss their partner, because they want to get that back. 

There are some kissers that are less popular than others; the first person I kissed, way back in high school, had the unfortunate condition that I fondly refer to as “vacuum lips.” When we kissed, I felt like my lips were being sucked deep into a vortex (also known as my partner’s throat). While this type of kissing may be the cat’s meow for some, for me, it just wasn’t my ideal….yet I suffered in silence until we broke up. Why? Because I thought that it was just a foreplay thing; it shouldn’t really matter if I enjoyed it or not. 

Well, that was a dumb plan. Because has I talked to my partner about what I had liked, or even shown what I wanted by guiding their lips to *not* devour mine, I could have had far more enjoyable times making out, instead of dreading the lips of doom. But by not speaking up, and not giving kissing its proper level of importance, I was totally missing out on what turned out to be one of my favorite things to do. 

Now, kissing does have to involve lips, but it doesn’t have to be lip-to-lip always. Your lips will feel amazing pretty much anywhere on your partner’s body (and vice versa of course. If you’re in more of a sensual mood, light kisses all over the neck, ears, collar bone, and down the stomach, just barely brushing your lips over their skin. More heated and passionate? Use you lips to nip here and there, to shower breasts and nipples with love, a little bite on a hipbone, a rougher, passionate kiss on the neck. Taste your partner and let them taste you. 

The feeling of someone’s lips covering every area of your body sets your nerve endings absolutely on edge. You might get goose bumps, even if it’s not cold. You might be inspired to do the same to your partner. After some hot (or cold…don’t be afraid to change the temperature of your mouth with ice cubes, hot tea, etc…or even make it tingly with mints, or crème de menthe!) kisses, the two of you might end it there, or you might decide to go on to some other types of sexual activity. Either way, you’ll feel amazing…I guarantee it. 

So what’s the hold up? We should slow down on the yapping, and give kissing the lip service it deserves. Really. 

Smooches!

Essin’ Em

See how kissing should really be done; Kissme Girl - Brea and Loli:

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Sex Tips; Split, Spit or Swallow

I’m dating a new guy, and we’re getting to the point where I’m ready to go down on him…I just don’t know whether I should “spit or swallow”. Can you give me some advice?
– Questioning in Quebec

This question, the question of “spit or swallow” is as old as the day is long, and is one of the most frequently asked of sex columnists all over the world. It may have taken me a while, but I have finally decided to tackle it in the most informative way that I can.

 

Firstly, there are actually three choices; spit, swallow, or don’t have him come in your mouth. No, really, I’m serious, that is a totally valid choice, particularly if the reason someone spits is because of the taste. If it’s in your mouth long enough to spit it out, you’re still going to have the taste, but if it isn’t ever in your mouth in the first place, that’s one less thing to worry about, right? 

Now, let’s say you decide that you do in fact want to receive ejaculate in your mouth (and you deciding is the key part; don’t let anyone ever tell you that EVERYONE does it that way, or that you HAVE to do it; totally untrue). This is when those good ol’ stand by options come into play; spit or swallow. 

All is going well, and now he’s beginning to get there; the point of no return. You have a decision to make; split, spit or swallow. You’ve decided not to split - you’re going to stick it out, but how do you decide whether to imbibe? 

It’s a personal choice that you get to make all by yourself. Some women enjoying swallowing for a variety of reasons. Maybe it’s for easier clean up (no tissue or towels needed), maybe it’s the taste (it is preferred by some), maybe it’s a variety of other reasons. On the other hand, some women are proud to be “spitters”; they enjoy the act of giving oral sex, but at the end, they chose not to swallow their partners’ semen. Why? For some it’s just the idea, for others it’s the taste; again, it’s a very personal thing to decide, and no one can just give you the right answer. 

Couple of important notes (and I asked the guys in the office to double check): swallowing is not necessary. At all. One guy said he even preferred that she didn’t swallow. As one guy put it “I don’t care, as long as I get to release my semen. I don’t really care what happens to it after that.” Not swallowing is not going to ruin the sexual experience for the guy, it’s not going to be the worst blow job he’s ever had because you didn’t swallow. You do or you don’t, but as long as you’re both having fun, that’s the part that matters. If you do choose the spitting option, it is more polite (and probably a little more appreciated by the guy) if you don’t spit it across the room, or right in front of him. Some discreet tissue action, or a quick trip to the bathroom can go a long way. 

Ejaculate (made up of both sperm and seminal fluid) contains about 6 calories per tablespoon. It’s fat free (in case anyone was wondering), and contains trace amounts of calcium, zinc, B12, magnesium, nitrogen, chloride, and other substances (but unfortunately, not enough replace your multi-vitamin if you do swallow). It does not clearly up acne (hmm, wonder who started that rumor), and it cannot make you pregnant if you swallow it (although oral sex does put you at risk for STIs; check out our safer sex guide to read up on protecting yourself). 

All in all, this is a decision for you to make; split, spit or swallow. You can certainly talk to your partner about what he may prefer, but remember, it’s up to you. No pressure. If you chose to swallow, you’re not going to get fat, but sadly, you’re not going to get perfect skin either. 

Open wide (or not!),

Essin’ Em

Some things just taste *that* good;Sweet Taste of Honey:

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Sex Tips; Sex From A Different View

I’ve started seeing a guy who is a paraplegic. I really like him, but I also want to be sexually active…what do I do?
-Concerned and Confused in Columbus

Close your eyes and head to memory lane as I take you back to one of this first things you learned, maybe even before you reached kindergarten; we’re all different and unique (and special, sure). No two people are the same, and we have different abilities and talents, and different challenges as well.

 I’m writing today on sex for different types of people. Not everyone has the use of four limbs, two eyes, two ears, and so on. Some people are born with different abilities such as this, and some are injured, either permanently or temporarily. Unfortunately, some people see someone differently-abled than them, and immediately write them off as non-sexual, which is sad, wrong, and couldn’t be further from the truth. 

Everyone has things that make sex challenging; maybe you’re less flexible than you’d like, or you have trouble trusting, or maybe you and your partner have a height difference of a foot or two. Other people may have had the loss of use of one or more of their limbs, or might not be able to visually see their partner. Sex isn’t supposed to be easy, but it is supposed to be enjoyable, and we need to realize that everyone’s definition of enjoyable is different. 

I just met a therapist who had counseled a couple, of which one partner had recently become a quadriplegic. This woman and her partner were very concerned about their sex life. After working in therapy for a few months, doing all sorts of tactile and pleasure based exercises, this woman was able to have an orgasm by having her forearm stroked in a certain way by her partner. Her partner was happy that she was getting pleasure, and the woman was happy to still be a sexual being. Sex is not tied to the genitals, nor is it only defined by intercourse; there are hundreds of ways to be sexual. 

Communication, as always, is key. Some people get frustrated about not being able to do everything they wish they could do, and other get upset that they are not able to orgasm, or that their partner is not able to orgasm, and fear that this might make them or their partner feel inadequate. This is where communication comes. Talk to your partner about your goals, your hopes, your worries and your fears. Maybe you’ve lost feeling in your vagina, and your partner feels guilty that they still have feeling in their genital region, and feel selfish that they can have genital orgasms. Once you’ve talked about things so that the two of you are aware of what you’re both thinking, it’s time to start exploring. 

Lie down together. Taking turns, explore each other’s bodies. You might have to get creative; if you don’t have feeling in your hands, maybe stroke your partner if your forearms. Discover what things feel good to you and your partner, as compare to what society says has to feel good. Sexual sensations and pleasures come in all forms from all different areas. Maybe you’ll find a new spot that brings waves of pleasure, or a new motion that really does it for your partner. 

Sex is not limited to beautiful, young people that have the use of all their (what society deems) senses. Everyone is a sexual being, regardless of their abilities, and it is high time that we though of people this way. People of all abilities can both give and receive pleasure, it just requires, like all good sex, lots of great communication and experimentation. 

Open up your mind; you never know what you might find,

Essin’ Em

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Sex tips; Does Size Matter?

Does size really matter?
-R.N. via email

This is a question I get asked a lot. Now, I’m going to have to assume that the askers are referring to penises, because in many things in life, size DOES matter. I’m short, and can’t reach the top shelves in my kitchen; size matters. When I want to buy something, and only have a five-dollar bill, then yes, size matters. Trying to fit 6 people into a VW bug; size matters.

 

But all in all, for the most part, size doesn’t matter. Speaking specifically on the penis, the average penis is about 5-7 inches when erect. Some guys have much smaller penises that swell a lot more to reach that size, while others start out bigger, and don’t travel as far…people tend to call these grow-ers vs. show-ers. 

As far as the other end of the spectrum, a woman’s vagina can be from 3 inches to 7 inches in depth (from the opening to the cervix). Depending on the angle of penetration of the penis or sex toy, one can also add about an inch or so if the penis/sex toy goes directly under the cervix. Time to do some math…average penis = 5-7 inches, average vaginal canal = 3-7 inches. Seems like “average” is pretty well coordinated in this biological situation. 

Now, the vaginal walls CAN expand in width (and slightly in length - when aroused, the cervix will tilt up slightly, elongating the vagina a little); not infinitely, but more like a balloon. As a woman becomes turned on, her vaginal walls get a little puffy, and being to expand, and the inner part of her vagina almost balloons up. Some women prefer to feel more filled; what they’re looking for here is not usually a longer penis; rather, they want a thicker penis to fill the vaginal walls. Most penises (and sex toys) fill the vagina quite nicely. 

Some people might have trouble with size; if you have a shorter vagina (let’s say 3 inches), and your partner has a larger than average penis (how about 9 inches), clearly, there is not going to be any thrusting all the way in; there isn’t enough room for all that penis. Never fear; the majority of the sensory receivers and nerves are in the TOP third of the penis (remember this for oral sex as well; deep throating might be fun, or feel naughty, etc, but the more you focus on the third of the penis towards the head, the more sensation you’re giving). So, 3 inch vagina plus the top 1/3 of the penis (which just happens to be 3 inches!) = good times for all. 

Some positions can be used to make size matters more manageable. If your partner has a shorter penis (compared to your vagina), trying rear entry (ie, doggy style) can add an inch or two, as can man on top, with the woman’s legs criss-crossed and pushed against her chest. Have the same problem as above? For a shorter vagina, try side by side entry (either facing each other or spooning), or woman on top, to control exactly how much of that penis is going in there. 

Granted, some guys do have smaller than average penises (they would have to; it IS called average for a reason). However, this shouldn’t be something to make or break a relationship. Firstly, a smaller penis does NOT mean he can’t have sex, or can’t sexually satisfy you. If you tend to get off from intercourse, try some of the positions above to feel more filled. If you’re more of an oral sex or fingering person, than I can’t exactly see what there is to worry about; in fact, rumor has it (no scientific basis what so ever) that guys who may be less endowed in the “nether” regions tend to be WAY more endowed in the “satisfying their partner through other types of sex” area. If you feel that even with all these hints and tips, you’re still not happy with your sex life, talk to your partner about maybe bringing a vibrator or dildo into sex play, foreplay, etc. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have intercourse if that’s what you both like, but it can add the extra something you might need to climax. 

If you call yourself a size queen, and just can’t be with a person who has a smaller penis, you might want to take a second to think about why a large penis is the most important thing when looking for relationship. If you’re just rocking your world by hooking up with guys with larger dicks, than all power to you. But if you’re breaking up good relationships solely because of phallus size, it makes me wonder; what makes a great penis so much better than a great person (especially if that great person is also great under covers, just in different ways than your average stud)? 

For ladies at the other end of the spectrum that might be intimidated by large penises (for a variety of reasons; smaller vagina (yours truly), first time, previously painful experiences, the sheer size of penises in general, etc) - I am with you. However, the same as above can be said to us; why would you give up a good person if their penis just happened to be the size of the Eiffel Tower? There are many many many things to do behind (or in front of) closed doors, and with a patient partner, even the smallest vagina and the biggest penis can figure out how to tango without pain to either party. 

Sizing up the situation,

Essin’ Em

Check out hundreds of positions for penises of all sizes - 365 Sexual Positions:

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Sex tips; Traveling with Toys!

Traveling with Toys?

Alright, now for some people, these tips may have no redeeming value (although hopefully, it will still have enough humor to amuse!), and for others, well, maybe you’ve been in the same bout as your lovely author, and will take these…tips…to heart. - Essin’ Em

Sex toys. Lots of people have them, lots of people love them. And lots of people just don’t know what to do when going on a trip; how to take these terrific toys along, particularly on airlines.

 

First, I will share with you an awkward moment I recently had, flying back home after my knee surgery. For my birthday/holiday present, one of my friends had gotten me a novelty vibrator (wonderful friends I have, I know!)…this particular toy looks like a rubber ducky, and it is no ordinary rubber ducky vibrator - it is a BONDAGE rubber ducky vibrator at that; handcuffs, ball gag and all. While packing for my trip home, I had to decide whether to pack it in my carry on or pack it in my checked baggage. I figured that putting it in my checked baggage would cause far less drama for myself, even if it was ‘discovered,’ where as packing it in my carry on could make for a very embarrassing moment should I be chosen for a random drug screening. 

However, I also thought back to some trips I’ve taken during which some of my belongings were miraculously lost during the screening process. I began to picture what might happen should a overly-zealous or super un-sex friendly security agent be the one to search my bag. I might make it home with my pride intact, but without my rubber ducky (who was still in his plastic packaging and all). Finally, I made the decision to pack it in carry on, figuring a little possibility of embarrassment was no high price to pay for the known safety of my toy. Luckily, I made it through security with no hassles, and both Ducky and I made it home safely. 

But this got me thinking; how does one travel with sex toys? I’ve heard stories of vibrators and dildos looking like gun barrels on x-ray machines, and of hand held, battery operated devices turning on at the most inconvenient time. So I’ve decided to look into the matter, and compile a list of things to think about when traveling with toys. 

Some toys CANNOT be packed in your carry on; these are ones that may be misconstrued as a weapon or hazard. Examples include pinwheels (used in sensory play), things involving fire (although the candles themselves are ok), anything related to edge play (razors and so on), and of course, large objects that just won’t fit, like long handled floggers and crops. For these things, please pack them in your checked baggage to avoid an awkward situation at the security check point. 

Things with batteries: de-batterize them. Take out the batteries, and put them, and your extra batteries, in something like a sealable baggie or in a pocket of something you’re already bringing along. Lots of people take extra batteries for CD players, cameras, etc, so a bag full of batteries won’t cause anyone to immediately think “sex toy!” Also, by taking your batteries out in advance, you’re saving yourself from two things: a) the toy turning on and making some noise that will then make you have to explain to a security agent exactly why your angry anaconda or frisky ferret was in your bag, and b) arriving at your destination to realize at the most inopportune time that your toy has burnt out your batteries and that the store in the hotel lobby is closed. 

Things that might look like a gun barrel (dildos and phallus shaped vibrators with any type of metal in them, including metal rods and center columns to which beads are attached) should probably be pack in your checked luggage, because security will ask you to open your carry on to make sure it isn’t a security risk. I’ve been asked to take out a curling iron before, and I’m sure that was far less embarrassing than a phallus like object (unless that’s your thing…and then go for it!). 

As far as keeping things clean, I like to pack my sex toys in their own bag, just so that in transit, they don’t get covered with dust particles, lint from my clothing, make up or lotion from a bottle that broke or finger prints from the person examining my luggage. If you keep them in a clear bag, where security personnel can see them clearly to determine how harmless they are, you should be fine! 

Lastly, if you’re as in love with some of your toys as I am, I would suggest not taking your absolute favorite toys with you, or getting a duplicate copy for your travels. I lost one amazing bullet vibe somewhere in either Prague, Vienna or Hamburg, and I never recovered it (nor did I ever learn to say vibrator in Czech). When I travel now, I make sure I take my back-up Magic Wand, and keep my main one safely stored at home, in case of any toy-losing calamities. 

I wish you the best of luck in your travels, and hopefully these tips make it at least a little easier for those of you traveling with toys. And to those of you to whom this doesn’t apply, I hope you got at least a little amusement out of my awkward situations. 

Enjoy flying the friendly skies,

Essin’ Em

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Sex Tips; Role Playing, Part 2

It has occurred to me, and the rest of the office, that some of these are more outfit based, and not so much role-playing. You can do it either way; whatever works for you. And if you have some kind of role playing fantasy that isn’t on here (suggestions from the co-workers; hitchhikers, star trek, naughty nuns, mail carriers, sales clerks, etc). have at it; figure out what turns you and your partner on, because as we all know, that’s really all that matters. Here is the continuation from my last list of the top 10 role playing fantasies.
-Essin’ Em

5. Genie

 

Magic and mysticism always can be fun, and what is more enticing than getting three wishes? Find some silk, satin or chiffon scarves, and some loose pants or see-through teddies, beautifully colored vibrant make up, burn a little incense, and *poof!*, it’s time to come out of the bottle. Agree on some limits before hand, and once those are in place, go ahead and make your wishes, and watch your dreams come true. 

4. Prostitute/Escort 

To some people, this is a huge turn off, but for others, the idea of sashaying up to a working girl (or guy) and paying for what you want (and getting in, getting off, and getting out) has some major fantasy appeal, particularly when you’re not in danger of getting any STIs or spending the night in a real jail cell. Again, agree upon some limits before hand so no one gets uncomfortable, and then head out to a street corner, or put in a call to your loved one’s cell phone to arrange for a…happy ending. Outfits for the ladies could include high boots, sexy stockings, matching lingerie, short skirts, etc. For the guys; tight pants, mesh or tight shirts, etc. 

3. Strangers 

Strangers in the night…exchanging glances. This idea of picking someone up at a bar, and going home with them right then and there is very popular, but in today’s age of diseases, stalkers, etc, it usually isn’t the best of ideas. However, pretending that your partner is a stranger, and picking them up can be lots of fun, and can make it easier to try new things. Decide on a venue first; do you want to go classy with a cocktail lounge, or are you two more of a dive bar type of couple? Dress in one of your favorite outfits that makes you feel confident and sexy, and figure which one of you is going to be doing the picking up and which one will be the one being picked up. With this set up, go out, have a drink, and wait for that sexy stranger to buy to a drink. 

2. Secretary/Librarian 

It could be the glasses, or the button down shirt, or the hair pulled back tightly in a bun. Or maybe it’s the idea that an office assistant or library lady is so reserved in their daily job and activities that there is a wild woman inside who is just dying to get out. Start with a pencil skirt or well fitting pair of pants, add the button down shirt, sweep your hair up and back, and then finish the look with a pair of “sex-retary” glasses. When the time comes, look over the tops of the frames at your lover with a sultry glance before pulling your hair out of it’s knot and shaking it loose. If they get too loud, don’t forget to shhhhh them before moving on. 

1. School Girl 

I can’t think of any one fantasy that is more popular than that of the innocent-turned-naughty schoolgirl (or teacher for that matter), and this is one of the easiest role-plays to try out. With a plaid skirt (short or long…doesn’t matter, as it will be coming off), a white button down, and some pigtails, anyone can be transported in to the realm of bubble gum, boyfriend drama and a ruler knocking you on the knuckles. You could play it from the naughty angle, and have the bad schoolgirl in detention, or go for more of a sex-ed or corruption tactic. To complete the outfit, maybe have some white stockings, Mary Janes, and/or a pair of cute glasses. 

Enjoy your foray into fantasy

Essin’ Em

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