My partner isn't very good at pleasuring me. He/She is more of a wham, bam, thank you ma'am kind of lover, and doesn't have a lot of experience with manual stimulation/cunnilingus, but wants to get better. What kind of advice or hints can I give my partner so I can get more enjoyable sex without sounding too bossy or controlling? – Women all over the universe
Ah. The question I kept asking myself all through my undergraduate years. With out buying a pocket pussy, and licking it myself to show my partners exactly what I wanted, how in the hell was I going to get what I wanted? And since I wasn't ready to buy a silicone crotch, I suffered in silence (or faked it) for many a long night.
But then I realized that most people actually want to be good at pleasing their partner. I know I really do, and have no qualms asking my partner if what I'm doing feels good, if they want more or less, what else they'd like me to do. That's easy for me, but even I, Miss Sexpert Extraordinaire, have issues telling my lovers everything I need to get off. So, if you're in the same or similar boat, here's a cheat sheet to hand to your partner with coffee, leave on the pillow before your next tryst, or to read out loud together in a funny accent to make it less intimidating (ok, maybe the accent thing is just me).
Each woman is, for lack of a better analogy, like a snowflake (clearly, I like the snow. I AM from Colorado), completely different. Some women like lots of clit stimulation, others like 1 finger penetrating, and others like a lot more. It totally varies from person to person, and even the same woman may like different things at different times.
Firstly, realize that this shouldn't be 100% goal based; too much pressure to reach orgasm can cause performance anxiety, and make it even harder, so know that the journey of getting there (all the playing and fingering and licking and sucking) are very enjoyable to both parties. And sometimes, we don't want to have orgasms…I've never been with a guy who seemed to get this. Sometimes the stimulation is nice, and I like to play, but I'm not really in the mood to come. Really. I'm not lying. And sometimes that's all I want, so please get to work.
Also, many women need a little more time to get aroused than most men do; keep this in mind. Not everyone does, but most of us can't go from 0-60 in the time it takes to unbutton my pants. If she enjoys kissing, give her lots of that. Neck, ears, lips, breasts, nipples, belly button, etc. If you think you've kissed and petted her enough, do it a little more. Then keep moving. Additionally, some women (myself included) really really really like their breasts played with (although just FYI, nipples do not equal radio dials). Other women are not so mammary focused, so again, this is the point when you ask.
Talk to her, ask her what feels good, if what you're doing is enough, if she prefers faster or slower. Look for feedback; moans, back arching, eyes closing, pushing herself closer to your hand or mouth. If she is pushing your hand away, or tensing up and moving away from you, that would probably be a bad sign. Try different things, if you've made it to her lower set of lips, give them a lick or a stroke, and keep going to her thighs, and then come back on up. For the most part, teasing is good.
Start with her lips, NOT her clit, and start lightly and slowly and work your way up. If she tells you to go faster/slower/harder/softer, do it. And once you've found the right speed and intensity, don't speed up or push harder; just keep doing it. And once you're getting to that point, DON'T STOP.
While I keep stressing communication, I realize that a) this is hard, and b) sometimes you just need to know what to do. I have a book fetish; I collect sex books. Some are good, some aren't so wonderful, but most of them have sections on cunnilingus and finger a woman. Why don't you try reading it together, and having her tell you what she likes/dislikes as she reads it? Or give the different techniques a try. My favorite book (although any sexuality book would suffuce!) would have to be "The Guide to Getting it On", which is available at Babeland,...Get your own Guide To Getting It On!!
Wishing you some joyful journeying,
Essin' Em
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