I timed this one special to make sure you and your partner can improve your sexual communication just in time to heat up this cold, cold weekend!
Ok, so last week I read your tips on how to give hints to your partner about better sex, but if we have trouble communicating?
-Too Shy
Oh communication, you fickle thing. Who knew that one had to communicate with their partner in order to have great sex? I know I'm already distracted enough by how I look, how I feel, what music is playing, who brought the latex and lube, and whether my parking meter is expired to have to suddenly start thinking about how to properly communicate with my partner. Sex is exhausting and thought consuming; who has time to really even talk about it? And even worse (and maybe this is just my own insecurities), I hate the idea that I might sound bossy when 'communicating' and don't want to turn my partner off.
Too bad for me and the rest of us. Communications is a necessity for good sex, and it's high time we talked about talking. I mean, we all have some form of communicating with other, right? So how come the second the clothes start coming off, we forget how to express our beliefs, opinions and needs? What is it about relationships (and/or naked bodies) that makes us clam up?
Communication is important in all arenas of a relationship, from who does chores (and how you feel about it; I know I hate taking the garbage out, but I bite my tongue and do it anyways) to how often you're sexually active. Sadly, assumptions tend to be made a lot. If your partner is super busy, you might assume that they don't have time for sex. Or they might assume the if you're in bed, you must want to have sex, even if all you want to do is finish that last chapter of your book.
Even worse, sometimes we think we're communicating, but we're really not. Let's say I told my partner "no, not tonight, I'm not in the mood". Maybe I'm really upset about something that happened at work, and want to talk about it, or I'm angry about something my partner did (like making me take out the trash?), but all my partner hears is that I don't want to have sex. I'm not being honest with myself or them. It's possible my partner might even think I find them unattractive, when really I'm just upset that I didn't get a promotion. It's miscommunication like this that can really cause problems, but it happens a lot, mostly because it's hard to expose your feelings, especially if you see it as weak.
It can be even harder to talk and communicate about sex, particularly what you want, because it is sometimes viewed as selfish or bossy. Therefore, we sometimes sit back and just take whatever our partner gives us, whether or not it feels good. And that's no fun (unless you like faking orgasms, and even then, that's what Rocky Horror Picture Show is for). But it's so hard sometimes (at least for me) to say "can you try that a little softer" or "to the left..no, my left".
If you feel uncomfortable talking about what you don't like (such as above), try focusing on what feels good - "I really like it when you go faster/use ice cubes/slide 3 fingers in and out really slowly". You don't even have to say it in the moment; when you start making out, or whatever it is that you do to indicate sex, you can definitely whisper into your partner's ear. Too raunchy? Try telling them the general acts you like; "I like it when you go down on me/I love it when you scratch your fingers across my back".
Still too shy to talk? Luckily, we have the ability to use awesome body language to let people know how we're feeling. Crossed arms mean we're upset or uncomfortable, eye contact can mean we trust or respect the person we're talking to. To bring body language as communication into the bedroom, you don't have to be a stereo-typical female porn star; yelling, moaning, screaming, and thumping the walls. However, you do have to give your partner feedback. If something doesn't feel good, you can move their hand (or move your body, so that their hand is in a different place). If you like being kissed on the neck, try kissing them on the neck; maybe they'll take a hit. When something feels good, give them signals (that are natural to you; again, screaming is not required) to let them know they're doing the right thing; pant loudly, moan deeply, arch your back, close your eyes and throw your head back, move your body closer to what they're doing.
Communication is hard always, and sex is even harder, but there are so many ways to communicate, and so many issues that are resolved by letting your partner know what you like and don't like (and this goes both ways too; feel free to ask your partner if what you're doing feels good, and what they like, and so on), whether verbally, by moaning, or by using body language to show them how you're feeling. Communication takes time and trust, but I know that with enough practice, you and your partner will be on the same (or similar) wavelength and having great, satisfying sex.
Wishing you a flow of stimulating conversation,
Essin' Em
Once your communication is going and your juices are flowing, keep it safe! You may love condoms, you may hate them. But most of you probably do/have/will use them. If you want the best condoms that money can buy, this is where it's at. Crown's Skin Less Skin are fabulous; you (and my male partners have agreed with this statement) feel like you're riding bareback. Also, they seem to have way less of that skeevy latex smell that I associate with some brands of penis raincoats. They have a very high safety rating to boot. So let's see, they smell better, work better and feel better than any other condom I have EVER used, and they're around the same price as any other condom..what's not to love? Feel great and practice safer sex at the same time!
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