Sex Tips: Not Feeling So Hot?

I don’t know about you, but almost everyone (if not everyone) I know has some sort of problem with their body. Some of it is purely what they were born with; breasts too big, breasts too small, too skinny, too heavy, too big an ass, too flat an ass, too tall, too short, too much pubic hair, not enough pubic hair, a different shade of pubic hair, etc. Sometimes it’s something else, like stretch marks, scars, or an old tattoo from their 18th birthday when they thought hot pink psychedelic mushrooms were just too groovy for words. And sometimes it’s as a result of teasing or nicknames from when they were younger; a birthmark, too big of ears, larger hips, anything can be fodder for bullies.

Regardless, I have yet to meet someone that is 100% in love with their body, and moreover, 100% in love with the idea of their lover seeing their body naked under a few 100 watt bulbs. Not even your fearless sex columnist (ie, Me) is safe from body image fears. With my first partner, we fought over whether to keep the lava lamp/Christmas lights/computer screen on, because I was all about embracing the power (and visual safety) of the darkness. I was lucky enough to be involved in a production of the Vagina Monologues in which we took black and white nude pictures of the women in the cast, and that was how I started to appreciate my body, but not everyone has access to a trusted friend and private darkroom, and even so, I still have my own multitude of insecurities to work on. Hopefully, some of these tips and suggestions will get you on the path to loving your beautiful bodies… because I KNOW they are.

Firstly, stop focusing on the negatives. Yes, they may be what are concerning you the most, but negative thoughts aren’t going to take you in the right direction. What parts of your body do you love? What parts turn you on? What parts do you love to flaunt? Don’t you dare answer “left pinky finger” because I’ve been there, done that, and it’s just not worth it. Decide what are your best assets, and once you realize them, make them work for you. If you just love your ass, show it off; try some rear entry positions, buy some underwear that you think flatters your rear, ask for a butt massage. It’s your hair that is your hottest item? Run it all over your partner’s body, get yourself some delicious products that you love, toss it back in the heat of the moment. Work it; since you’ve got it, flaunt it.

Next, it’s time to learn your body. You’ll need hand held mirror (I love the swivel vanity one from my bathroom), a flashlight of sorts, your fabulous fingertips and your beautiful body. Turn out the lights (or if it’s cold, hop under the covers). Choose a location to start, and shine the flashlight on that section of your body, and if you can’t see it, use the mirror to check it out. Feel it; is it soft, sensuous, curvaceous, edgy, strong, fuzzy, rough, rigid, or…? Look at the beauty of that part as it stands alone. Once you’ve realize how wonderful each individual part is, it can help you see how amazing your body is as a whole. (By the way… if you haven’t ever had a chance to check out your… lady bits… with a mirror, now is certainly the time to do it. It’s quite an experience).

As to sexual activity with your partner, this can be daunting. However, I guarantee you that sex of any sort will be a lot more fun if you aren’t thinking about that extra few pounds, or skinny thighs, or whatever it might be. Also, it can be very nice to see each other, which is not going to happen if you are emulating a blackout during coitus. Start out slow; light a few candles. Just like everyone looks great in black and white photos, everyone looks great in candlelight. It’s been proven, and not just in every romance novel and chick flick ever written. Light some big pillar candles (and if you have kiddos or pets, make sure they stay far away, a good idea in general anyway), and keep all the electricity off. Explore each others bodies this way. Once you’re more comfortable with this (whether it takes a day or a year), try a little more light. Some suggestions; take a scarf or pretty piece of fabric and throw it over a lampshade (NOT directly on the bulb) and it will cast pretty, soft, colored light around the room; find some fun Christmas style lights in a theme you like - stars, flamingos, chili peppers, you name it; open the shades part way during the day, allowing the beautiful (and flattering) natural light to work its way in and set your body aglow; fuel your bearskin rug fantasies, and light a roaring fire to bask in front of (naked of course).

You don’t have to love every bit of your body; no one does. And you don’t have to have sex with every single light on. But your body IS gorgeous, and you shouldn’t have to worry about this or that while you’re trying to have hot, steamy, satisfying sex. I’m hoping these ideas help you enjoy your body more, so that you do feel more comfortable with yourself; whether alone or with a partner. And anyways, who doesn’t love sex with candles?Beautifully yours,

Essin’ Em

If you’re looking for some everyday people enjoying some hot sex of their own, Homegrown Video shows real homemade videos from real people and real couples: