I’ve started seeing a guy who is a paraplegic. I really like him, but I also want to be sexually active…what do I do?
-Concerned and Confused in Columbus
Close your eyes and head to memory lane as I take you back to one of this first things you learned, maybe even before you reached kindergarten; we’re all different and unique (and special, sure). No two people are the same, and we have different abilities and talents, and different challenges as well.
I’m writing today on sex for different types of people. Not everyone has the use of four limbs, two eyes, two ears, and so on. Some people are born with different abilities such as this, and some are injured, either permanently or temporarily. Unfortunately, some people see someone differently-abled than them, and immediately write them off as non-sexual, which is sad, wrong, and couldn’t be further from the truth.
Everyone has things that make sex challenging; maybe you’re less flexible than you’d like, or you have trouble trusting, or maybe you and your partner have a height difference of a foot or two. Other people may have had the loss of use of one or more of their limbs, or might not be able to visually see their partner. Sex isn’t supposed to be easy, but it is supposed to be enjoyable, and we need to realize that everyone’s definition of enjoyable is different.
I just met a therapist who had counseled a couple, of which one partner had recently become a quadriplegic. This woman and her partner were very concerned about their sex life. After working in therapy for a few months, doing all sorts of tactile and pleasure based exercises, this woman was able to have an orgasm by having her forearm stroked in a certain way by her partner. Her partner was happy that she was getting pleasure, and the woman was happy to still be a sexual being. Sex is not tied to the genitals, nor is it only defined by intercourse; there are hundreds of ways to be sexual.
Communication, as always, is key. Some people get frustrated about not being able to do everything they wish they could do, and other get upset that they are not able to orgasm, or that their partner is not able to orgasm, and fear that this might make them or their partner feel inadequate. This is where communication comes. Talk to your partner about your goals, your hopes, your worries and your fears. Maybe you’ve lost feeling in your vagina, and your partner feels guilty that they still have feeling in their genital region, and feel selfish that they can have genital orgasms. Once you’ve talked about things so that the two of you are aware of what you’re both thinking, it’s time to start exploring.
Lie down together. Taking turns, explore each other’s bodies. You might have to get creative; if you don’t have feeling in your hands, maybe stroke your partner if your forearms. Discover what things feel good to you and your partner, as compare to what society says has to feel good. Sexual sensations and pleasures come in all forms from all different areas. Maybe you’ll find a new spot that brings waves of pleasure, or a new motion that really does it for your partner.
Sex is not limited to beautiful, young people that have the use of all their (what society deems) senses. Everyone is a sexual being, regardless of their abilities, and it is high time that we though of people this way. People of all abilities can both give and receive pleasure, it just requires, like all good sex, lots of great communication and experimentation.
Open up your mind; you never know what you might find,
Essin’ Em
Email Essin' Em your questions!
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