My partner thinks it’s really important for me to orgasm when we’re together, but sometimes I just like playing around, and don’t really feel like coming. It doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to or in love with them, and I’m still aroused and having fun, I just don’t want to come. Is something wrong with me?
-Pissed off in Pittsburgh
What a wonderful subject to bring up…I’m so glad you wrote in, because this is something I’ve been wanting to write about for a while. This “dilemma” (if you even want to call it that) revolves around to two types of sexual interactions we tend to have in our society; goal oriented versus pleasure oriented.
The way we are brought up in our society, everything is goal oriented; get straight As, make a lot of money, find a partner to bring home to the parents. The other part of these situations seems to get discarded. People don’t usually say “learn as much as you can, it’s ok if you have a 3.0 GPA,” “find a job that you love, even if you can barely make rent,” or “just date lots of people to help find yourself, learn more, and have interesting experiences.”
Because of this cultural norm, we tend to view sex in the same goal oriented way; the orgasm is all powerful. Particularly in regards to the male; in our society, sex is traditionally not over until the male has climax. I mean, can you see a woman orgasming in the middle of vaginal sex, hopping off her partner, rolling over and going to bed, while he was still erect? People would think it was ludicrous! Why? Because the orgasm has been made to be the goal of sex, and anything less than achieving that is considered failure.
In the past few years (decades even), people have argued that it’s just as important for a woman to climax during sex as it is for a man. While this is a good step towards equality (all parties in all relationships should be enjoying themselves!), I feel that this has also had a negative effect. With some partners (of all genders) try to be “good” partners, the female orgasm has become almost a quest towards the holy-grail, something that “must” be completed before sex is over. I had a partner in college that saw giving me orgasms as a power trip, and even though that sounds delightful, it wasn’t. It was as though he cared more about my orgasms than about me, and whether I was enjoying myself. Sometimes, I told him I’d love to play with him, and get him off, but I didn’t really feel like having a orgasm, and he took it personally, as though I was attacking his masculinity, or rejecting him.
While I definitely appreciate the “everyone, women included, should get to orgasm during sex” ideal, the reality for all genders is that sometimes, the orgasm isn’t want we want. We want to make out, to be sexually active, to have company, to be loved, to enjoy someone else’s body, and that’s it. We don’t ALWAYS want to get off, and some people don’t seem to understand that. Rather than looking at sex solely as a means to an orgasm, we should look at all sexual interaction as pleasurable, fun and exciting, and enjoy everything we do.
On another front, there is the sexual stair step model (or the “bases” as you may have called it back in high school). What is my problem with “running the bases?” Firstly, it’s a predominantly heterosexual model, and secondly, it’s very restricting. It starts with kissing. Then gropage. Then fingering/hand jobs. Then oral sex. Then vaginal sex. However, it seems as though once you go up a step (or run a base), you can’t go back. For example, if you enjoy making out, but then you move upwards to oral sex, it’s “weird” to want to only make out, and stop their. Similarly, once a couple has had vaginal sex, it’s as though they can’t have oral sex and that be it during future liaisons. How many times have I heard someone say “well, it was ‘just’ oral” or “all I got was a hand job?” Far too many. All kinds of sexual interactions are great in their own way, and people should do what they enjoy, and not what society tells them is the proper thing to do in the right order.
Now, maybe this is partially because I love oral sex, but honestly, why does having had vaginal sex mean that you can’t “just” have oral sex (whether or not to orgasm)? How come couples that have been together for months or years feel that they can’t just have an intense 3 hour make out session? And a little rant on the definition of sex; why is sex always defined as vaginal intercourse? Because I think that having your head in someone else’s crotch can be just as, if not more intimate than intercourse. And ask any woman that has had a good and proper finger fucking - she’ll tell you that is definitely sex as well.
So in short, no, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you at all. You and your partner just have different ways of looking at sex; you’re more pleasure oriented, and your partner is a little more goal oriented. Tell them what you told me, that it isn’t a reflection on them or how you feel towards them, and then talk about what does make you feel good, and what both of you enjoy. Hopefully, both of you can think of some things that you both love, and will be able to heat it up in the bedroom (or kitchen, or bathroom, etc).
Remember, life is a journey, not a destination. Sex should be the same way,
Essin’ Em
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