I wrote a while back on all the different and exciting kinds of masturbation for women, and have been so excited to read online about how many women are re-claiming, and acknowledging masturbation, and how many more have just begun to discover it, and themselves, in the process.
But then my elation was short lived…I started seeing questions on online sites about “at what point in a relationship should both parties stop masturbating?” and “I caught my partner masturbating - does that mean s/he doesn’t love me anymore?” This seems to be a sad trend that has just begun to really take off.
First of all, you should never have to stop masturbating just because you’ve gotten into a relationship. Lots of people have healthy relationships in which one (or both) of the partners masturbates on a regular basis. Goodness knows with my libido, some weeks I’d go crazy if I couldn’t get myself off (other weeks, sex is more blasé), and I’m not going to call my partner at work 10 times a day because I just need to get off a few more times, and would feel guilty if I did it without them. Masturbation is normal, healthy, and helps you learn what you like, so that you can help your partner(s) learn what turns you on.
Another great way to bring masturbation into your relationship is to watch each other masturbate. I LOVE watching people I’m attracted to get themselves off. Not only is it incredibly hot and super sexy, but then I can see exactly what they like, and store it away for future reference. If your partner is ok with it, see if you can participate as well. I really like to put my hand either over or under their hand, so I can feel how much pressure they like, what motions they go for, what kind of touch they like. No one knows better how to touch someone than that actual person. Plus, this way, you can watch their face, and see their body as they get more and more aroused, and if they decide to climax, it’s beautiful. Sometimes one partner might be a little shy, so certainly don’t force it, but once you try it, you both may discover so many new and exciting things about each other!
Mutual masturbation is also a super fun and pretty low-risk activity. You and your partner can either lie down together, and each work on getting your own pleasure, or do a snazzy arm crossover, and stimulate each other. This can be used as foreplay, a learning experience, or a sexual activity in itself. It’s super fun, feels awesome, and again, you will both learn so much about each other.
I think masturbation is amazing (clearly) and can’t see why anyone would want someone else to stop doing something that made them feel so good. It certainly doesn’t mean they are any less attracted to you. There are many many many reasons for someone in a relationship to masturbate. Maybe they are just really horny, and don’t want to bother you every single time they’d like to climax. Maybe they like that masturbation is an activity in which there is no pressure to perform well, to be a certain way when they come, to do everything perfectly. Maybe they like a variety of sensations, and really enjoy the particular feeling they get when they masturbate. Sometimes, one partner has a much higher libido than the other, and is fine with taking care of themselves rather than cause issues in the relationship. I’m sure there are tons more reasons!
The only time I would worry about masturbation in a relationship is if one or both of the partners feel that masturbation is hindering other sexual activities that both partners used to enjoy. If you or your partner decide to use masturbation to avoid sexual activity between the two of you, then maybe there is an issue, and this is where more communication comes it. Why is there that avoidance? Did something happen to make sexual activity together awkward? Are there other big stressors in the relationship that might make one of you want to avoid sexual time together? These are definitely things that warrant discussion.
But if both are you are happy with the amount sexual activity you’re having together, then I fail to see why masturbation is an issue. If I came home to find my partner going at it, I’d ask if it was ok if I jumped in and either helped out, or got myself off! I hope all of you are enjoying all of your masturbatory experiences, and don’t feel bad about you or your partner masturbating - it’s just part of a healthy sex drive!
2-4-6-8, let’s all go and masturbate!
Essin’ Em
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