My partner really wants me to use a strap on, but I’m not sure how I feel about it, and even if I decided to do it, I have no idea how to go about it. What advice can you give me?
-Apprehensive in the Appalachians
Oh, strap-ons. That’s a great subject. I can’t believe I haven’t covered them yet, because they’re another toy that all types of women can use, regardless of their orientation.
What is a strap-on? Most strap-ons consist of two parts - the strap, and the on. Ok, not really, but there are two parts usually; the harness and the dildo. The dildo part is the more well known bit - they’re phallic shaped toys, though they don’t always look like penises. They are usually made of jelly, rubber or silicone, and can come in a variety of shapes, sizes and colors (from flesh tones to hot pink and electric blue). People of all sexes and genders use dildos by themselves as penetrative sex toys (in both the vagina and the anus, and by people of all sexes and genders ). However, some people like to take their dildo experience to another level, and that’s where the harness comes into play.
Harnesses look slightly like a rock climbing device, although they’re usually a little less bulky, and quite a bit more comfortable. The basic idea is that the wearer of the harness steps in or straps themselves in, and places a dildo through the O ring at the junction of the wearer’s legs. The dildo sits somewhere on the pubic bone (higher or lower depending on the harness) and once secured, is relatively stable.
Some harness have more of a “thong” look - the straps go on the user’s hips, with an additional strap that goes down the butt cheeks, through to connect in the front. Another popular harness style is the “two strap,” which looks a bit more like a jock strap. It has, aptly enough, two straps that encircle the users legs, and connect in the middle. There are also “panty harnesses,” which simulate underwear, but with a hole and ring for the dildo in the front. Then of course, there are the “other” types, including harnesses to strap dildos onto your thigh, your chest, your chin, and more. And of course, there are a few snazzy dildos, like the Feeldoe, that don’t require harnessed. They’re almost U shaped dildos. The smaller end goes inside the penetrator, and the larger end can then be used to penetrate your partner, with your vaginal muscles supposedly keeping it in place. Never tried one of these, but it seems like a cool idea! They come in all types of materials, from leather to fabric, nylon to plastic/latex. It all depends on what you’re looking for. When I was rocking out at the Dinah Shore Weekend, I was lucky enough to try on a Spare Parts Harness and let me tell you, it was freaking awesome, and super comfy to boot!
Once you have a harness, it’s time to find a dildo. Not just any dildo, for it has to have a wider base, so that once in the O ring, it will stay there, rather than jumping ship into one of your partner’s orifices. Many dildos have these types of bases, and you can find some great options at at Eden Fantasys Dildo Page. There are tons of shapes and sizes, so talk to your partner(s) about what they want. It’s also important to think about whether it’s going in the vagina or the anus, as many people will prefer smaller toys for the anus (and yes, boys like it up the butt too!). My two personal faves, that I’ve gotten to test out, have been the the Goddess and the The Raquel, but again, it’s completely personal preference.
Once you have the equipment, and are all strapped in and ready to go, it’s game time. Lube, as always, makes an excellent accessory to any sex play. In fact, I’d like to coin the catch phrase that “Lube is the new black.” Use it, love it (both the phrase and the lube itself). Just like any type of sexual activity, communication is key. Talk to your partner about what they need you to do to feel comfortable, and tell them what you need from them. Some people might want lots of kissing, foreplay, etc, whereas other just want to go for the gold. Lots of strap-on using couples like for the non-wearer to fellate the strap-on, while others find it unattractive. Again, it’s different for everyone, and this is why you have to talk with each other about what works, and what doesn’t.
Now that you’re ready for action, pretty much anything you both want to try is up for grabs. Strap-ons can be used in any position a penis can (and more - feel free to try anything, because if a dildo is bent the wrong way, it won’t ’snap’ the way a penis can if it is pulled too far the wrong way), and can be used on partner of either sex, and in the anus or vagina. However, if you’re going to be moving hole to hole, or using the dildo on more then one person at anytime, you should pop a condom on that sucker. Ditto if it’s a non-silicone dildo, because you want to keep it bacteria free (and silicone can be boiled).
Some dildos vibrate, so that is something to try as well. Also, there are double-ended dildos to give both the fucker and the fuck-ee pleasure. Some harnesses have room for an anal dildo for the wearer, as well as the traditional front dildo. Experiment if you’d like - the sky (and maybe your budget) is the limit!
Guys can definitely be involved on either end of strap-on sex. Some guys (straight, bi, gay, etc) loved being penetrated in the anus - the prostate is there, so stimulation rules, as well as for the emotional and mental benefits. They might feel that it’s nice to be not in control as much, or that it’s nice to give their partner the opportunity to penetrate as well. I’m sure there are a ton more reasons! Two female bodied partners can use strap-ons for vaginal or anal sex, in addition to or instead of manual penetration (or using a dildo by hand). And male partners can wear a strap-on too; in order to perform double penetration, because they may have trouble getting/remaining erect, in more femdom fetish way (”you can fuck me, but not with your dick”), or for any other number of other reasons.
So those are some of the very basics of strap-on sex. Try lots of things, have fun, figure out what’s right for the relationship (or one nighter) that you’re in. Clean your toys when you’re done. COMMUNICATE. And hopefully, this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship…with strap-on sex
Giving it to ya,
Essin’ Em
To see how a real man takes a strap on, check out Devinn Lane’s Guide to Strap On Sex:
Email Essin' Em your questions!
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