We have really good sex. Well, at least I think so. How do I know if he’s enjoying himself? And what he likes more, and what he doesn’t? And when we’re already having good sex, how can I tell him that there are new things I want to try? I don’t want him to think I’m not happy!
-Ambitious in Albany
Communication. Say it with me, folks. Communication is key.
No, really. I’m dead serious. I’m sure you’re sick of me pushing this whole communication thing, but it will really make every sexual experience and/or relationship that much better. Communication should be involved in every step of the sex process, from consent (”Hey, wanna fuck? Yes? Great!”) to the post-coital experience (”Wasn’t that great? God, you’re incredibly hot! I loved it when you ____ed me!”) and during every step in between.
If you like something, SAY IT. You don’t have to be super PC about things - use language that works for you and your partner. Tell them what you liked and how it made you feel, what you weren’t so big a fan of (but gently - no one likes to be told they aren’t good at something), and maybe some things you would like to try in the future. Here are some suggestions. Treat them like Mad Libs and fill in the blank, or go ahead and make up your own.
The Good Stuff:
*Wow, it felt awesome when you did _______ to me!
*I love the way your lips/hands/________ felt on my _______.
*When you ______ me, I felt really hot/loved/safe/sexy/_____.
*I was surprised that I liked it when you _______, but I really did. Let’s do that again!
The “Not-So-Good” Stuff:
*While I really liked it when you _______ me, I’d love if you did it harder/softer/faster/slower/________ next time!
*I wasn’t really a fan of _______, but it turned me on so much when you _______ me instead.
*I loved it when we ________, but I wish it could have gone on longer - it ended too soon.
Future Frolicking:
*You know, when we _______, it made me think how much I want you to _________ me!
*Looking at you _________ was so hot - next time I’d love to join in!
*My friend told me about this awesome trick s/he learned, and I think it would fun to try out. What do you think?
*It felt so great when we did ___________. Maybe next time we can do it in a different position?
You can also ask each other questions in order to see what your partner got out of the experience. This doesn’t need to be the Spanish Inquisition (remember, no one suspects the Spanish Inquisition!) or a game of 20 questions. Think about un-judgmental questions to ask. Try things like, “what was your favorite thing that we did?” and, “how did _______ make you feel?” Ask them what they’d like to try again, and whether they have any suggestions for future romps in the hay. Again, don’t just use my language - create your own. If you have nicknames for each other, use them. Use the names of the body parts that you both like to use. If you use “down there” for your vagina, you don’t have to rehash your experience by calling it your pussy (and vice versa). Each couple will come up with their own set of terms that just work for them.
If you’re a little shyer, you can always write down your thoughts and feelings. A note might begin with something like “hey sunshine/pooky/boo-boo face/dear, I wanted to tell you I had a wonderful time tonight/I love being sexual with you/you rock my socks off because __________________” In your note, talk about likes, dislikes, and things to try. Even if you decide to talk to them rather than hand them the note, you have your thoughts already down on paper.
And you know, communication can (and should!) happen during sex too. I love it when my partner is fucking me and asks me how I want it (faster, slower, hard, etc), or when they have their fingers inside me, and they tell me to tell them when I want one more. I feel like I’m in control of my own pleasure, even though they’re the one pleasuring me. Don’t be afraid to speak up! If you’re mid-fuck, and you’d like to switch positions to get more stimulation, speak up. Most partners would be more than happy to oblige (and if they don’t want any feedback from you, they might not be the ideal partner). If you need to be on your back in order to climax, let them know, don’t make them try and figure out, since you might end up pretty disappointed.Furthermore, if you have hard limits, these are things to mention to your partner BEFORE you hop into bed (or the back of a car, or ______). I have an issue with pressure on my head during oral sex, so I make sure to tell my partners this pre-clothes removal, so I don’t go psycho-bat on them in the middle of oral sex. I had a partner that didn’t like to be kissed on the ears, but of course I didn’t find this out until I was leaning in for a little nibble on the lobe. It would have been a little less awkward had we talked about it beforehand.
I’m not saying you need to plan out every single step of every sexual experience. I, too, am a fan of spontaneity, and I would never suggest you miss out on that. However, talking with the person you’re sexing up is pretty important. And don’t tell me you can’t talk (at least on paper) to them - if you’re bumping naughty bits, then you should be able to tell them was does/doesn’t feel good!
Opening my big mouth,
Essin’ Em
Hear what happens when people talk with one another while having hot sex in Girl Talk:
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