Monday, July 23, 2007

Sex Tips: Working Out the Kinks

Hi there. Sometimes I like to mix it up in the bedroom, and I would like to know how to try out some “kinkier” things. I’m not into fetish stuff, really, and I don’t see myself as into BDSM, I just want some info on getting tied up and stuff.
-Experimenting in Eugene

Well, sounds like you fit in with a pretty large percent of the sexually active population. Not everyone is ready for latex and leather or wants to head to the local dungeon. Lots and lots of people play with things that could be seen as being into BDSM, and it’s certainly not on the fringe of society as it was 10, or even 5 years ago. Many bedrooms have handcuffs, a blindfold, or other such objects that can be used for kinking up your sexual activities.

An easy activity to integrate into your current sex life is tying your partner up/being tied up. Either of you can play the “submissive” (tie-ee) role or the “dominant” (tie-er) roles, and if you want, you can switch later on. If one of you likes being more submissive and the other more dominant, that’s fine. However, if you like to take turns, that’s totally ok too! 

What do you need in order to tie people up? Not much! While you can purchase a bevy of bondage-oriented products, you can also use stuff from around the house or things bought from your local costume or gag gift store. 

Handcuffs are probably the first thing many think of when they hear “bondage” and they can be found pretty much everywhere, especially around Halloween. Gag stores in the mall carry them as well, sometimes even furry versions. Handcuffs can be great fun and all that jazz, but here a few things to think about. Don’t put them on anyone too tight or for too long - they’re metal and can cause some hardcore bruising and cut off circulation. Make sure if they’re legit handcuffs (as compared to those that you just press the little button thing to open), and that you know where the key is at ALL times. Putting it on the dresser when it can get knocked into oblivion during the throes of passion is probably not the best choice - maybe on a chord around your neck? And have a spare. It’d be pretty embarrassing to call the cops to get you OUT of handcuffs. Also, the cheaper handcuffs don’t hold up that well; it’s easy to accidentally pop out of them, and, I’m not gonna lie, one of my partners once broke a pair when we got a little too into what we were doing. I’d say handcuffs are a good start for a couple that wants to add a little kink, or maybe for someone that wants to do a cop role playing scenario. 

What else can you use? Anything! Ties (as in those that you usually wear with a button down shirt) work well, as do pantyhose (although these knots can get super tight and impossible to undo - think ahead and keep a pair of scissors by the bed). I sometimes use my over the shoulder wraps that are meant to go with evening dresses or even winter scarves. You can always go out and get some rope. If you decide to that, make sure you get the smooth, nylon rope that doesn’t cause as many splintery things or rope burn, unless of course that is what you were aiming for. 

Not into bondage? Or want to bump it up a level? Blindfolds can do wonders. Granted, some people like to know exactly what is going on or to look into their partner’s eyes lovingly and/or lustily, but others (myself included) enjoy a little suspense and a good moment of surprise now and again. You can use anything for a blindfold from sleeping masks to those fabulous 80’s headbands, silk ties to a pretty scarf tied around the eyes. Moreover, you could not use an actual blindfold at all, but play with a little power, and tell your partner (or vice versa) that they have to keep their eyes closed and be good. You can do the same thing with the idea of “gagging.” Granted, you can buy “official” gags at any sex toy store or use a piece of tape (Be careful, some stick to skin. Also, you want to make sure you think of another way they can tell you to stop), but sometimes it can be just as hot (if not more so) to tell them they have to be quiet/aren’t allowed to say anything, and watch them struggle to keep their mouth shut. Mmm! 

Then of course there is a little pain here and there. Spanking is pretty popular, and it can range from a tap on the ass while you’re fucking to a full-fledge spanking session (before, after, instead of or in addition to other sex play) with one of you laid out across the others’ lap. Not everyone likes spanking, but it’s very erotic for other people. Hands are the most common objects used to spank, because they’re easily accessible, you can feel exactly what you’re doing, and it can provide a sense of more intimacy for some people. Others like to use everything from ping pong paddles (wait…you mean people actually use them to play ping pong?) to special crafted paddles bought for the purpose of spanking, and hairbrushes to Greek paddles from college (come on, you know they had kinky sex in those houses!). This, like everything else here, needs to be something that both partners are into, and as always, communication is key. Talk to each other about how hard you want it, where they like it (butt, breasts, thighs, etc), how much is too much, and so on. 

Some toys everyone can use are fingernails and teeth. We often leave these out of sex play because of the fear of sharp pointy objects coming towards our genitals, but they don’t have to be thought of in that way. Light (or heavy for some people) scratching on the back, stomach, butt, arms, chest/breasts, and inner thighs can be incredibly arousing. Make sure you talk to your partner before you leave any marks; some people love them, and others may not like them at all, or may only be ok with marks that don’t show when they’re wearing clothes. Ditto on nibbling or small bites (which can and do leave darker marks than fingernails). Try it all over and with various pressures to see which works best for the two of you. 

You can do these all on their own or mix them up and try a blindfold with scratching, or being tied up with a little spanking. If you’re feeling super adventurous, try them all out and then write me and tell me how it was!. Just remember that it’s important to talk to each other about how you’re feeling, likes and dislikes, and all the important stuff that makes good sex great. 

Tying one on,

Essin’ Em

Check out some hot and sensual spankings in Nina Hartley’s Guide To Spanking :

Nina Hartley's Guide To Spanking



Email Essin' Em your questions!

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