You and Me...and who makes 3?

I want to have a threesome. Should it be two guys and a gal, or two gals and a guy, or 3 of a kind? How will we know who does what? Can I get some help here?

-Multiple partnered in Minneapolis

Seems like you're looking to add another dimension to your relationship and you're thinking ahead. Way to go!

How one goes about having a threesome depends on a lot of things, and of course is a very individual choice to make. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do. Ever.

Before you begin, make sure you're really ok with the idea of threesome. While they can definitely be a fun time, they are not for everyone. Some people do not like the idea of their partner being sexual with anyone else, even if they're there at the time. Others think the idea sounds great, until their partner makes a different noise, or tries something new with the third person. This can create jealousy and strife between couples and/or friends. Once you've decided this is the right thing for you, and you're ready to have a ménage a trios, here are some things to consider before you hop into bed:

First, are you single or with a partner? If you're single, it can be easier because you don't need to talk to your partner about how they feel about this whole thing. When you're ready to have a threesome as a single person, you can look at finding two other single people or finding a couple. Make sure that if you decide to get it on with a couple, they are both ok with it, and they have followed the steps I talk about later that are for couples. Currently, it's very "in" for couples to find a third person (usually a woman), and since it's trendy, you should have no problem with finding a couple.

How do you find this multitude of couples looking for a third? Many couples use online sites with personals sections to look for a third, and you can browse their ads, or post one of your own. I personally find it easier to browse ads and choose who I contact because the one time I posted an ad of my own (albeit not about a threesome), my inbox was flooded with all types of people in whom I had not interest (and some who were downright creepy). You can also look at sex/swingers clubs, although those have door fees unlike the Internet. You can also go online (or to the clubs) to find two single people to hook up with at the same time.

If you're already in a relationship, it's very important to make sure that both of you are interested in this. It does not count if either of you is blackmailing the other. Saying "if you really loved me, you'd let us have a threesome" does not count as consent. It's unethical. Don't be a bad partner. You may really, really, really, want to try it , but your partner may feel equally as strong about not adding a third person to the sexual mix. Please remember to respect each other.

Let's say you've talked to your partner, and you're both into this idea (it's ok if you're nervous, as long as you both want to try it out). Firstly, you need to decide what gender you'd like the third to be. If you're two lesbians, you may think it's "obvious" that you'd look for a third woman, but maybe your partner was thinking about this being a good opportunity to give a guy a try, while still being with her queer partner. Again, talk. Communication is key! There is a stereotype that all straight males only want threesomes with two women, but having taken a quick poll around the office and among friends, this is not the case. One told me he'd be less stressed with two guys, because he wouldn't feel pressured to be the perfect loved to two women at once. I personally don't think I could handle two penises at once, but I would totally be into being topped by two guys…or just lying back and having two guys worship me.

That's where the next part comes in. Once you decide who you're looking for, you need to decide what the two of you would like to do. Maybe you want to have intercourse together, and then have one of you perform oral sex on the third, or maybe just have a night full of oral sex! Or maybe the idea of your partner fucking someone else while your masturbate is exactly what turns you on. Is it ok if you kiss the third person? Is it ok if your partner does so? Maybe kissing and fucking is ok, but oral sex is reserved only for the two of you in a long-term relationship. These are all things that you two need to talk about before you even begin searching for a partner.

Once you start looking, you can use the same avenues I suggested above - online personals or sex clubs. You can also try to pick someone up while you're out an about, or you might want to join a polyamory group or attend play parties to find a third.

Another choice that singles or couples can make in their pursuit of a sexual trifecta is to bring in a friend (or a couple they're friendly with). This option certainly has its own pros and cons. By hooking up with someone you already know, you have a good idea of their personality, what they like, and you may have an easier time discussing what is ok and what is not ok with them. However, if something goes wrong with the threesome, you could at the very least have some future awkward moments, and at the worst, you might have ruined a good friendship. What would you do if your partner did something for him/her that they don't do with you? Is it possible that you might start feeling jealous of your friend, and take it out on them, either actively or passively? Would it be awkward if you saw your friend fucking, and then sat next to them at the office meeting the next day? These things need to be thought about before you make this choice.

Once you've found someone(s) to be the Larry to your Moe and Curly, have the same talk with them about what they're into and what they would/wouldn't like to do. As soon as everyone is on the same page, it's time to begin your adventure. It will not be perfect. Sex is rarely (if ever) perfect, even with two people. Add one more to the mix, and it just gets more hectic. People may feel ignored, someone may fall off the bed, or one of you may get squirted in the eye. Things happen. Just keep talking and checking in with each other and make sure everyone is doing ok. If everyone is having fun, that's all that matters.

As a last caveat, don't forget about using safer sex! Women who have sex with women need safer sex just as much as hetero couples…and that includes threesomes. Keep this in mind.

I hope I've given you some good steps to begin your hunt for your threesome. Best of luck!

Please come and join me,

Essin' Em

You're not the only one! Check out My First Threesome Vol. 3: